it's mooty

if you can't beat him, laugh at him

2008-03-23T16:35:00.003+08:00

I think I saw the second last one in McDonalds yesterday, chatting up an ACS(I) guy.

my extensive knowledge of cliches comes to the rescue!

2008-03-22T13:35:00.002+08:00

I did run this morning (a weird run in which I ran for fifteen minutes around the neighborhood before realising that I was lost in some random AMK street. I walked my way to the library and spent 40 minutes there in the aircon, before running home), but that is NOT the point. I spent Good Friday at home, on the computer reading manga and playing Flash games. It's not called GOOD Friday for nothing.

Which brings me back to my current ambition. I was mapping out my life in the shower. I think I've got all bases covered, and I'm right on course.

For the next two weeks, I shall be busy getting hooked on the computer, to some strange Mac computer game. The rest of the year will be spent on the game, and I shall fail my EOYs. I shall be expelled in November, and find odd-jobs to fund my (by then) rapidly growing smoking and boozing habit, but shall be fired within two weeks for each. By June next year my new friend, the community gangster, shall introduce me to some weird variation of expensive drug (actually just a mash of tomatoes and chopped-up cigarettes wrapped up in banana leaf, though I shan't know that), and I'll be hooked on that and begin robbing the family to fund my drugs, cigarettes and booze.

I'll rob an old lady by twenty, and be jailed for two years. I'll come up unrepentant, and almost immediately start getting addicted to drugs again. For the next five years I'll be living off my exasperated parents, spending the day on my sofa with chips, drugs, booze and cigarettes. And groundnuts.

At 27, I'll meet a social worker (hot) who'll introduce me to a counselling centre (Christian). I'll have a midlife crisis, and rediscover religion and morals and wean myself off drugs, booze and cigarettes for the next year. I'll find a decent office job typing 9-5 and start supporting myself. I'll marry the (hot) social worker and have a son and a daughter - Hitmon and Totto respectively. I'll start authoring self-help bestsellers and serving actively in the community. I'll be a millionaire by 35.

I'll get into politics in 37, and be put forward as a presidential candidate, facing off against a certain Mrs S R Nathan. I'll be elected President with a couple of cliches and by playing a few Josh Groban songs during my speeches (and getting the vote of the ex-cons).

I'll live off the fat of the land till death. The end.

bard-lovin', hehe

2008-03-20T16:17:00.004+08:00

First poem I've written in a really long time. There's some Bardolatry Shakespeare-fanboy event coming up, and apparently every Lit student has to submit a poem about Shakespeare. I would have submitted a haiku, which is so easy because I could just

Shakespeare is so great
He makes me love plays haha
Twelfth Night 'specially

and be DONE with it, but the better entries get published in an anthology of Bard-lovin' poems, so I put in some effort into this. Also, I used to be less of a poetry person than a prose person, but at the rate I'm writing I'm more of a NOTHING person so I might as well try my hand at a poem anyway.

--
in hell, by the fireplace
Matthew Chan 20/3/2008

you were never quite the same as Goneril, you know
never as rugged, never as gritty.
she would accompany me on all my trips
smiling for the crowd, running ahead of me
England liked her, they loved her so much

while you were away, I was in the garden
there were flowers and bees, and butterflies
you weren’t there, so I
closed my eyes and pretended I saw you
standing there, smiling down

and from Regan, you were quite different
never as close to me, never as chatty
she would skip into my study and beam
she would blow me a kiss and tell me the weather
England liked her, they loved her so much

while you were in the study I hid in my room
there were papers and books, and pens
you weren’t there, so I wrote down
a poem for you, and pretended you replied
in invisible ink on the cold mahogany

you were like a petite ape
you were confused and timid, but you were
crazy, raging with suppressed emotion

you were a cold figure, a shadow with a crown
your two anorexic bodyguards a screen around you
I pretended they were nice but I was wrong

and it was impossible to get to you
so I tried to pretend you didn’t exist

and you didn’t seem to know I existed
so it was impossible to get to you

but I never really gave up
even as I breathed my last
because I know that we’re really the same.
--

This is such a contrived little shit, you know that? Basic knowledge of King Lear is needed, so if you don't have it I'll blow on my bugle and laugh at you. Ha.

so you think you're sixteen, eh

2008-03-19T20:28:00.003+08:00

We celebrated Jon's, Shoujian's, Kieran's birthdays today. March babies!

(MARCH babies! Eight more months! Awful. Also, no one will EVER celebrate my birthday in the canteen for me on a schoolday, no one will sing me the birthday song and cut me cake in school, because I WAS BORN THAT WAY.)

Shoujian felt the slippers were too expensive. It's okay guys, I don't mind expensive presents! I left my guilt and sense of propriety at home! iPod Nano, gogogo!

Tomorrow is Community Day - it's been horrible planning for it, though I haven't exactly been keeping on top of things. Today YH, Brent and I just spent a few hours fretting about it, talking to Mrs D'cruz and going down to the School for the Visually Handicapped to recce. I hope everything will turn out alright tomorrow, and then I can finally focus on work and all. I'm not listening in class anymore - it's so easy to switch off, and scribble stuff and fold paper into 64 equal parts and think of evil things to say to people.

as we turn away

2008-03-18T21:10:00.001+08:00

I should stop blogging.

Good night. (because it'd be a real shame if neither of us had one.)

lemming lament

2008-03-18T20:57:00.002+08:00

Meh, meh, lalala

The witch is out today and we will play
under the tree, barefoot and carefree
Take the rosy fallen apples and
kiss the juice out of it

Yet it is poisoned.

pears and oranges are heretics as well

2008-03-17T22:04:00.002+08:00

I hate to post so much on a schoolday, but a few minutes after the previous post, I choked on my water and spat all over my Macbook.

The MacGod is displeased by my flippant comment. Of course Macs can only be white or black! What the hell was I thinking!

paddy paddy paddy

2008-03-17T21:43:00.002+08:00

Today's St Patrick's Day!

I feel so inspired by the spirit of everything being green, if only for a day. Let's totally go green! We could paint our aircons and computers green and pretend we're caring for the earth.

of hair and wisecracks

2008-03-17T21:08:00.002+08:00

I was really hyperactive in class today, for sporadic periods of time. It was unbearable - but so was I.

Mr Vijay: And then, when you add these two simultaneous equations together, what do you get?
Me: Confused?

Which is just the thing I would normally have thrown around in my head a little, except today I actually said everything in my head. Not good.
--

Also, someone please buy me a cap.

(I had a haircut today. I was slated for one of the horrible school barber's $5 haircuts, but then it got cancelled in an awesome stroke of luck. So after Players I had a $10 haircut at Junction8.

It was ugly. But THAT IS NOT THE POINT.)

You know, I may have told some of you about how the main characters of the Players production had to shave their heads bald.

I thought that it was ONLY for the main characters.

But evidently, I thought wrong.

Uh, well, buy me a cap, pretty please?

(And honestly, things are not going well. Even with a full head of hair, people already call me a freak. I am still trapped in the infamous Holiday Mood. I go bipolar in lessons. What now?)

here's the slacker's creed, due three months ago

2008-03-16T20:07:00.003+08:00

The night before Term Two isn't the perfect time to do Warmup Activities In Preparation For Getting Some Work Done.

Especially when said activities involve trying to download Heroes on BitTorrent on your Mac, and failing.

YES, it would have been so much more meaningful if I HAD succeeded. I would have done much less work, but I would have done so in style.

poetry of nuffink

2008-03-16T14:47:00.003+08:00

There are scars borne of pain, borne of disgust, of disdain. Small problems that were too small, they were invisible, unstoppable, invincible. They attacked in droves, leaving nothing to chance, leaving eternal sting of WhatCouldHaveBeen, and they

flew away,

as if nothing had happened. Some scars are deep, some are shallow, but they're all the same, deep inside.

They're all mosquito bites from my uneventful zoo CIP yesterday, and they're all on my legs. Sucks to be me. I would break into haiku now, except that I am too bloated to count on my fingers.

jazz pizazz

2008-03-15T21:48:00.003+08:00

My father's listening to a Ray Charles CD now. I never knew he had it, or I'd have borrowed it for our project.

But anyway, jazz is horrible. It's acceptable with original songs, because you had no idea these songs could be better, but Ray's version of Eleanor Rigby is playing right now, and it doesn't feel emo or cathartic anymore, with all the tambourines and brass every beat.

Also, the comic strip is an underrated medium because there's only so much you can convey in three or four panels. I'd have enough trouble trying to come up with a punchline in four panels, let alone add any other elements. I'd try my hand at drawing and maintaining a comic strip, except that I can't draw.

(Still, I do a mean circle. The ends of my circles meet almost 20% of the time! And my famous dead sheep! They look dead most of the time, especially when I substitute their eyes for large blinking "X"s!)

to the saddest people

2008-03-15T20:20:00.002+08:00

I know many a sad person today. We're all sad these days, 'cept some all sadder than others, and others are the saddest of all.

What can I say? I've never been good at consoling, especially since I'm not going to direct this post to anyone in particular, so no one feels loved or cared for or whatever. Also, my opinion never did matter, because everyone would just think I was being flatulent or drunk again.

There is, however, a thought about the saddest people. It is nothing consolation can relieve, so I don't even try. That does not make me a bad friend, merely a cynical one. I was never one for consolation. There was nothing as bluntly stupid as a "Cheer up, what's so hard about being happy?".

Yet time will heal all wounds. I guess there's nothing for it. Feel pain. Cry when nobody's watching. If it's any comfort to you, being Sad is better than being Dead, feeling Everything is better than feeling Nothing.

Also, if you're Dead there's no turning back. Don't go that way. You may have lost a very dear friend, but you're still ours.

despise the deeds but don't snub the person

2008-03-14T22:06:00.002+08:00

Apparently Beng was spotted running on the track after school a few days ago. And then recently he was also spotted at the gym, trying to work out at some machines, while not knowing how to use them.

He still has his flaws, like any of us, but I don't care what the others say. That is really pretty impressive, his newfound resolve.

(I still don't think he'll pass NAPFA, but he'll probably give it one heck of a try.)

sauteed crapstick

2008-03-14T20:31:00.002+08:00

Oh my goodness, I found the same pen-selling lady at YCK MRT station AGAIN, except she was with another pen-selling lady. Together they cornered small boys, blocking the way of one of them. That first boy escaped, while his bemused friend watched on, grinning. The two ladies noticed the second boy, and went all, "Hey! Boy! Ah, you!" and I was so put off that I stopped watching and left for my train. Is this what community service is all about?

Went to visit Jonlian in the hospital today, with the others. Jonlian broke his collarbone two days ago, while trying to do a handstand. He is awesome. So is the unglamourous hospital-patient photo I got of him. I await the day where I shall unleash it on him, and make him scurry to buy me a meal to keep that photo under WRAPS.

Would have to be a pretty big one, too.

Bleh.

Potatoes and beets are like homework.

They don't have PURPLE LIGHTNING-BOLT-SHAPED SPOTS.

Though, going by that logic, I am really similar to Hitler. NOT TRUE.

happeningz

2008-03-13T20:44:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling better since I last posted, because I sat myself down and went all, "Matthew Chan! You can't be emo! Not NOW! You don't even.... have a LIFE! Honestly! And Margarita will be so sad that no one's using her and using her mouse!" And then I slapped myself twice and took some emo photos on Photo Booth (which is awesome) and went back to Happy Mode.

(Margarita is the new temporary name of my Macbook. It was either this or Fortinbras, so shut up.)

(And then my other inner self goes all, "You ARE tortured everyday! You HAVE issues! Like, uh, your Macbook doesn't load as fast as it should! And everyone says you have a baby face!" And then the other inner self rolls its eyes and says, "Shut up! You don't matter anyway!" and then I am at peace and stop talking to myself.)

The past few days have been Busy. Margarita has been keeping me up all night because she doesn't want to sleep, and she keeps screaming, "Play with me! Explore me! I have parts you never knew existed!" and then I comply for a while, before I get disgusted with myself and shut the damned thing off and go to sleep.

MRT station

Random auntie: Hello boy! Want to buy a pen, help charity? *holds up ominous stack of cheap plastic pens* $2 only, help the community!
Me: Uh, no thanks. I'm in a hurry *makes obvious attempt at checking my watch and looking around in a fluster*
RA: Come on lah, boy, have a heart lah! Just $2!
Me: No, really -
RA: Boy, you what school one? SJI ah? -
Me: Yeah, yeah, SJI, need to go now -
RA: RI ah? Come on lah, boy, have a heart, have a heart!
Me: *walks away*
Random auntie changes target.

I am aggrieved that she tried to use my school to force me into some sort of guilt trip. Honestly. I almost got away with "SJI" too, except for the fact that I was capable of coherent speech and thought.

(KIDDING!)

junction8

Brent: I went to LJS and found a cockroach in my food once.
Me: Ew. They should demote it and call it, like, Long John Bronze or something.
Brent: And then Short John Bronze, etc.
Me: And then they'd just keep getting Shorter until they hit rock bottom. Then they'll be called McDonalds.

waterpolo camp

Yongjin: I got 9/10 for my Physics test leh! But that Ryan ah, was playing PSP during the test and he copied his friend! His friend got 3, he got 2!
Pay: Eh, Ryan! You got 2 for Physics test?
Ryan: 1.5 lah! *smirks*

My waterpolo juniors are so weird. So was waterpolo camp, really, but I still want to join a sport next year. The prestige and thrill cannot be denied, and I have a rekindled interest in fitness. Meh.

Me: *tells joke*
Vince: That's not funny. You didn't include a pop culture reference.
Me: Oh, yeah. Britney Spears!
Vince: HAHAHA!

Me: *tells different joke*
Byap: ...lame.
Me: Damn. Uh, Justin Timberlake!
Byap: HAHAHA!

Pop culture references are your friend. ALSO - I keep laughing while telling the joke. I am so pathetic.

It wasn't even that funny, so THANK GOODNESS MY BLADDER ISN'T LIKE MY LAUGHTER GLAND THINGY. I mean, imagine a time when I start to wet my pants halfway on my way to the urinal.

=(

2008-03-10T23:20:00.003+08:00

My name is Mooty, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

Magnificence.

Nothing beside remains: round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

...weakness.

Despair.

anteater is a close second, though

2008-03-10T19:54:00.003+08:00

My holidays are three days in. I can't even begin to describe anything, and I probably never will. I've been through thirteen hours of CIP, a birthday celebration, a funeral wake, two batches of pesky pre-teens and a Macbook addiction. If I would sum up the holidays so far I would say AARDVARK, because any other thing would seem relatively indecorous.

Let's hope the next few days aren't as aardvarky. Why is aardvark spelled with two "A"s? Desperate attempt to make it to the front of the dictionary.

Since I last posted, I have deduced that Mas Selamat is Mendaki Idol. Don't ask why. I am also very good at pissing people off, and getting people to start developing a form of wry disdain for me, in which they laugh at everything I do. Like a girl from the P4 Camp today. It's nice to keep track of my skills now and then, because they may come in handy against incontinent Asians.

I have no idea of what I'm talking about, of course. I'm just coagulating words into phrases and sentences. If I do that for long enough, it'll become entertaining.

Also, GEPpers these days are becoming insufferable. They shout requests at you and DON'T SAY THANK YOU. Some dumb China girl (large dolllike eyes, clear but piercing dolllike voice, two long China-girl pigtails) kept asking me questions on the way to the programme, and she asked me to help her hold her files and everything for five minutes and DIDN'T SAY THANK YOU. And she was like, "Can I throw this [dumb star-shaped thing] on your head?"

I ignored her. I hate rude people. And ironic ones as well.

Weeping reckons I can't get them under my thumb.

Weeping: "If you get them to call your Grandmaster by the end of today, I'll say you're good."

I only had a few minutes with them, because the teacher taught during the sessions and I sat at the back, quietly earning my CIP hours. I didn't even try.

poisoned apple

2008-03-10T00:14:00.002+08:00

I feel like it's a Sunday of a school term. I have to wake up at six tomorrow, find out how to get to RGPS by 7.30, and spend the day there leading pesky children around in a GEP cultural camp, for CIP HOURS. I'll only be done at 5.45pm.

There's assignment after assignment. For some reason I'm now the one who has to do everything for the Waterpolo CIP, because evidently the others have much more important things to do, like Sleep Before Twelve and Watch Soccer and Leave Tags On Tagboards. It's okay. Someday they'll look back, and be all, "Because Matthew came up with the programme for Community Day, he is now where he is now! (probably some job that pays a crap lot, too) And because I didn't, I'm now addicted to beer and girls!" Yeah! I bet that's gonna be the case!

Though who am I kidding. 1) Doing a dumb proposal won't get me a cool cushy job which pays a crap lot, and 2) Dude, give me the beer and girls any time.

I'm also keeping the doctor away!

2008-03-09T09:00:00.002+08:00

My first post on the Macbook.

Setting up the Internet was much easier than I expected, just Select Your Wireless Network And Click Continue.

Yes, I did get that Macbook after all. Would have been such a shame if all my fantasizing and obsessing went to waste, wouldn't it!

People will cry foul, others will make desperate but obvious attempts to be my friend. I'll just stand high above the rubble, feeling supremely smug about myself.

faux-sleuth

2008-03-08T10:07:00.005+08:00

I went for a run first thing in the morning.

It wasn't very successful. My chest, thighs and brain was wholly exhausted from the exertions of yesterday. Still, it WAS a run. And an attempt to do pullups. And lots of walking.

The park is pretty good. It doesn't have the flair of the Botanic Gardens, but it does away with the commercial, touristy parts as well, so that's good. There's this plain with lots of flagpoles. Old pensioned men hang their birdcages up there and sit down in some sort of sheltered gallery, drinking beer and smoking as they look at their birds and hear the collective chirp. It is really quaint, funny and ironic in a way. The birds are high in the air, but they're still trapped in their cages, the attention of many old men. I must take photos of it next time.

On my way back I walked through a hawker center. Without any money. That shall be improved on the next time I visit. And I shall also need a companion, because running by yourself is kinda sad.

I shall duly record all these down in my little black notebook.

(why am I constantly alluding to my little black notebook?? It has to be the coolest thing I have that DOESN'T exist. Somehow it makes me feel like I have a curt, intelligent butler and shabby premises in the bowels of society.)

who said thespians were nice people?

2008-03-07T23:51:00.002+08:00

Me: *does the fake evil smile thing I've grown to perfect in the past few days*
R: Matthew! How do you do that! Whenever I try to smile like that I just... can't.
Me: Haha.
R: It's like, I can't bring myself to do what I don't feel! It's like lying!
Me: Oh please, R, stop trying to pass off your lack of theatrical skill as a virtue.

though I wouldn't mind a movie.

2008-03-07T21:27:00.003+08:00

The March holidays doesn't seem much of a holiday. On the other hand, I don't have any friends to spend my life with, so having too much time is useless. I shall run and swim and do pullups with my remaining time! My life has a purpose!

I feel awesome because I jump much further in standing broad jump now. I can also do pullups!

Pullup. Same difference. SHUT UP.

----
Saturday
CIP (2pm-5pm)
IT show (evening-ish)

Sunday
Church (morning-ish)
CIP (1pm-4pm)

Monday
WHOLE DAY CIP

Tuesday
Greek Museum trip (12-4pm)
Waterpolo overnight camp?

Wednesday
Waterpolo overnight camp?

Thursday
Class deco, meet up at school (morning?)
Raffles Players trip to SAF/Arts House? (afternoon-ish?)

Friday
Class deco in school (morning)

Saturday
Zoo CIP practically WHOLE DAY

Sunday
Church (morning-ish)

Homework: as normal.
----

I could squeeze in a movie or two in that, though. WHO!

three stooges are better than one

2008-03-06T21:58:00.004+08:00

Today, as we were hunting for ERP groups, Ms Kuang commented that the same three people were always working together. She felt that we were excluding them by forming cliques, especially when it came to groupwork.

I don't think that our class is divided into cliques - not everyone, anyway. Some people like to work together all the time, but it's probably true that they work well together in a partnership that shouldn't be broken. Some pairs are always in the same groups, except with different partners. I'm not in any clique, but I don't really have much trouble getting into a nice group most of the time. Then there're the leftovers who slot into groups after the initial pick - they're still fine. In fact, I'd say the only true clique would be the Three People Who Sit In Front Of Me.

It is a touchy issue, but it has to be discussed. Many people - teachers, students from other classes - probably think that we're ostracising them, openly showing them that the class would simply be a better place without them. In that I don't agree. I won't say I dislike them as people - because if you're nice to me and you say constructive stuff in class I probably won't really care about how unfit or how ugly or poorly endowed with psychomotor skills you are - but I have issues with some of their attitudes, and that is different. It has been one year and a bit, and they're still unreceptive to us. If anything their clique has solidified. They hang around together, work with one another in group projects by default, make lame jokes as a collective. If these are the roles they've decided to play in class, I don't think it will make any difference if we make desperate attempts to integrate them into the class and pretend we've always been the best of friends. Such attempts are painful for them, and painful for us.

I won't say we're perfectly right. Perhaps we should help them, by openly inviting them into our group, but we're but fifteen- and sixteen-year-olds, the same as them. I don't think we'll know how to handle them if they're just so antisocial. We have to get on with our own lives. Besides, they don't seem to be interested in working with other people, anyway. As we were looking for group members, they were standing around, talking to each other (Benjamin was somewhere detached from the rest of the class, standing around and looking morose), obviously not interested in hunting for a group. If they had asked we would have considered them as we would any classmate. I have worked with Spencer before, he does contribute ideas . I wouldn't exactly mind working with him if he had gone around asking for a group, but they hadn't bothered.

In the end, Ms Kuang did some re-sorting and placed the three in different groups. So we needed a teacher to do this for us. Let's see how it works out.

(also, why have I been posting contemplative stuff? Covering up my lack of humour by pretending that I'm capable of thought! Sweet. Uh, if birds hiccup once a day, what will happen to the icebergs?)

away, vile pears and oranges!

2008-03-06T20:04:00.002+08:00

I might have mentioned this before, but my mother has finally decided to get a new computer. This computer is menopausal, arthritic, senile, and all sorts of other ageist stuff I can say.

A Macbook is on the cards, because my subtle hints are paying off. NO, I haven't been painting my apples white and pretending to eat them in front of my mom. Geez.

(I have been painting them black, because the black Macbook looks cooler.)

As the age-old adage goes, who needs girls when you can have a Macbook? I mean, a Macbook is gorgeous. I could refer to it as Maggie (or Magdalene) and place my arm round it, and NO ONE WILL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

Yay.

bonsai human

2008-03-05T18:35:00.003+08:00

Lit lesson was interesting today. Ms Johnson was sitting in, along with Ms Kuang. They were to talk with us for one hour about various Rafflesian stuff, like how we can't hold a proper conversation or look a person straight in the eye, or have social graces and common sense, even the Lit RA students. Especially us, really.

We didn't touch our notes today, but it was a meaningful lesson all the same. There're people who think Lit students are really just idiots who read books and write notes in all the margins and crossdress and do little skits in high-pitched voices. I shrug those off - life isn't about pleasing everyone - but there is truth in the accusations, in some of us, at least. While there are good speakers, charismatic and charming dudes amongst us, I think we see more of the gauche, book-toting nerds who try to hang around looking learned. Maybe it's something about being Rafflesian. We've never exactly had time to learn about charm and wit, and all the other things that will really carry you through your life. Instead, we get a whole load of arrogance and hot air. We go around expecting favours from our seniors and teachers, scowling when they aren't granted, muttering mutinously as you skulk away. It is not a pleasant sight. The only thing worse than being arrogant is being arrogant when you obviously aren't qualified to do so.

It doesn't work that way. If you're going to want respect, you better damn well make sure you earn it. Being a humanitarian only in name and paper qualifications won't get you there.
--

Tennis finals today.

It was exciting to look forward to. I've never gone to support a tennis match in RI, even though Tennis is one of the few sports Raffles can expect to cruise to the finals. This year it's different. We have a resident tennis captain, and it was our duty to turn up and support him. He may not be amongst the best players or the first team, but he has probably worked the hardest, done the most in the team, and it was only right that we gave him a motley bunch of fanboys, if only for an afternoon.

Tennis is quite a nice game to spectate. The play is beautiful, the sky sunny and everything. Around two sets into the games, heavy rain ensued.

Jarrell: It's raining on our parade! Hahaha!
Me: ...Not funny.

The few of us went to City Hall to eat, before leaving for home. We discussed random stuff again, like How Wealthy Is Everyone, What If Some Girl Liked R In JC and What Tacos Will We Buy. I like my class. I feel almost normal next to them. (It's also interesting to know how much boys gossip. We could hold our own against the fairer sex any time.)

And thus the tennis finals (or what's left of it) will be held tomorrow. I have a Lit lecture then. (though who cares about Greek art? Only those weird guys who walk around school wearing nothing but, uh, togas with "GREECE" printed across the middle.) Good luck, Captain Shoujian.

more fart jokes, uncle billy! more fart jokes!

2008-03-04T21:03:00.002+08:00

I can almost smell the holidays. I'm on my knees, every ounce of me wishing to kick off those heavy, thick, heat-absorbent jeans. The sun is beating down. I lost my shirt somewhere before this, but my body feels baked from the hip down - but I smell water. I never knew water had a smell, but it does, and I know what it smells like. It smells of not-sand. It smells faint, as if it'd evaporate as the sun inches closer to the earth. I can taste it on my lips, trickling into my mouth and filling the void that saliva couldn't fill.

Whatever, man. Holidays are coming. I HAVE NO TIME FOR BEING METAPHORIC AND POETIC.

I just want some sleep. During the holidays I'll do stuff like sleeping at 10, reading the newspaper in great detail, going down and kicking the ball around, and generally much more going out to the streets and giving them free hugs, before turning away and muttering, "I've got to leave for the airport now, my love. It's over."

It's just so nice trifling with people's emotions.

Also, there was some sort of a briefing/talk for the parents today, and I had the sense to invite mine over. I waited for them in school as they talked to my form teacher, having a sneaking suspicion that I was being badmouthed then, just a few tens of metres away. I waited for my parents at the car, half-expecting them to march over, scowling at me and throwing a letter of . Life's hard for us people of murky conscience.

Instead, everything proceeded as usual. Apparently Ms Kek found it hard to say anything (good or bad) about me, other than the fact that I was occasionally 'restless'. My parents totally don't buy that. But anyway, YAY! I survived one parent-teacher meeting!

The only thing I have to worry about is my testimonial at the end of the year.

"Matthew is a restless boy."

Awesome. My prospective job employers will probably think I'm some simian-like guy with a strange habit of scratching my back and stealing other people's recess and pouring lab chemicals on it, just to check for effervescence.

fart jokes are twice as awesome as fat jokes and lame jokes put together

2008-03-03T20:39:00.003+08:00

I got my CIP verification letter thingy from Heartware! That's five hours down.

Also, Heartware has a really lame slogan.

"if it doesn't come from the heart, it's not worth doing"

Please! I could say the same about "if you don't get CIP hours", "if there's no money involved," or "if Jessica Alba doesn't immediately notice what you're doing and give you a peck on the cheek". Of COURSE it doesn't come from the heart.

I survived Trigo TA better than I'd expected. The questions in the worksheets were all pretty hard, but I managed to do everything in the TA! And then later on I realised that I got the answer wrong for the second question. BUT IT'S OKAY. Seven or eight marks is much better than FAIL/10.

Also, we're tasked to come up with a humorous fictional piece of writing by Thursday. I'd probably just freak out on Wednesday night and copy out an excerpt from Harry Potter, changing all the places it mentions Harry Potter to "Ron Weasley", and vice versa. Now that'd be funny. In a really sad, twisted way.

Or I could make fart jokes. Teenagers love fart jokes.

Q. What did the flatulent guy say to his girlfriend?
A. Fart!

Hahaha! I really underrate my sense of humour; I AM capable of fart jokes! That makes me vaguely witty, right?

leap! leave your headprint!

2008-03-02T23:03:00.003+08:00

I've known three leap year babies in my life, though they probably don't know of one another. They are the envy of many. They're special.

But they have BIRTHDAYS EVERY FOUR YEARS. HOW SUCKY IS THAT.

(also, what the hell? This was planned to be a full-blown expository, but I AM TOO TIRED TO ARGUE POINTS FOR/AGAINST. Meh. You get my concise, bigoted, caps-spamming side, then. That comes, like, once in a white moon, or once in a starless Singaporean nightsky. WHATEVER. Why am I suddenly seeing people sucking on those Phallic Pops again? I thought they banned it in Singapore when I was little!)

RUMP! - Leave your buttprint.

singapore is so YESTERDAY.

2008-03-02T19:35:00.001+08:00

For sex and drugs, move to MOOTCITY.

in my time, we had to CREATE our own meanness!

2008-03-02T17:02:00.001+08:00

Entertaining little girls is an arduous, and often shocking, task.

SkaterGirl says:
i am watching mean girls
MATTHEWZ says:
uh okay
how fitting
SkaterGirl says:
???
you want a disease?
MATTHEWZ says:
huh?
SkaterGirl says:
man, put a cloth in your mouth!
fits, duh!
MATTHEWZ says:
:O
stop watching that right now!
and also, one game only
SkaterGirl says:
what
MATTHEWZ says:
I need to study and do work
SkaterGirl says:
watching what
watch what
MATTHEWZ says:
mean girls
SkaterGirl says:
why?
MATTHEWZ says:
it's bad for you
SkaterGirl says:
it is very funny
they say slut and whore many times
and that burn book1
MATTHEWZ says:
...oh dear

with ezlink cards like this, who needs laughing gas?

2008-03-02T00:13:00.003+08:00

Our house finally has curtains! The house smells of fresh curtain fabric tonight, which is pleasant, so I'll probably put off the urinating-all-over-my-curtains for tomorrow.

I was using the computer in the morning. Stefi added me and started talking to me. It's really hard talking to ten-year-olds, because they still think that emoticons are in vogue. Then my mother needed to use the computer for awhile, so I lay down on the bed,

and fell asleep until 12.20pm. I was due in Lakeside in forty minutes. Not good. My sleeping cycle has taken a turn for the worse. I'll probably turn narcoleptic by twenty.

I arrived in Lakeside MRT at 1.40pm. Rich was there, reading the New Paper. I had been late for forty minutes. No words needed to be exchanged.

(but Rich still doesn't know about Chuck Norris and Tetris, which puts me on a higher moral plane, no? Totally going to be found dead in his bathroom with roundhouse kick-related injuries.)

The girls were already at the CC. I am now around Beverly's height. Woohoo! As it turned out, there was nothing for us to do except graffitise the whiteboard with scribbles and take the kids to the toilet every hour or so.

I took out my phone and pretended to take a photo of one of the kids peeing in the urinal. He stared at the phone in bewilderment. Now that was one funny sight. I should totally go around doing that, to check people's reactions. If anyone asks, I am a reality TV show host, which is actually a euphemism for "deranged person with no soul". Or is it the other way round?

(Rich was stoning. His name is a great conversation starter though. It's much more interesting than being called "Matthew", and only slightly less so than being called "Buttcrack".)

And after that we went our separate ways. I think we forgot to erase the stuff on the whiteboard. I'm so lucky I didn't write anything sardonic about the escaped terrorist, or maybe the next time we come they'll just grimace at us, turn off the aircon and lock the doors.
--

Barbeque at Joel Tang's house! I realised that his friend's from waterpolo as well. I could tell. Seriously. :/ He plays centre forward for ACS(I).

I was surly and uncommunicative, because that's what the thousand assignments of the previous week have done to me. Also, the ACS(I) people are really mean to the Korean scholars.

"Okay, let's play Spot The Korean!"

Apparently the Koreans have attitude problems, though they look nice, though the only thing they talk to me about is school, and studies, and JCs. WE HAVE WEEKENDS AND CHURCH FOR A REASON. I should think, though, that being a foreign scholar would be really sad. It's like, your studies and accommodation are being paid for, but in return you have to slog your butt out. In that way they're like intellectual whores, except that whores don't really have curfews and restrictions on computer usage.

The food was good, though I didn't help out, me being shagged and all.

Cornelius has a nice Sony-Ericsson touchscreen phone.

Also, I can't keep a straight face. I really can't. Someday, this will prove to be my downfall, and all I have in my defense is an EZ-Link card.

Daniel: I bet I can look at your EZ-Link card for ten seconds without laughing.
Me: Okay. *takes out card*
Daniel: Hmmmm - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

spank to subdue

2008-03-01T08:13:00.004+08:00

It's March already. The next thing I know, I'll be at Grad Night, feeling awkward and self-conscious and looking cool and unperturbed.
--

The ERP guys (sans Shanzhi) stayed over at my house. Okay, it's official: my house is a ho-tel. Knock yourself out in it, videocam and Pills That Look Suspiciously Like Ecstasy not included.

We spent time talking about everything. Every conversation inevitably goes back to the class, school, how we suck, girlfriends. Whatever. I like talking. It makes me think I am doing something about my situation.

I slept six hours last night. Go, me!

This morning, my mom and I were in the kitchen when the doorbell rang. At the door were five or six girls in uniform. They looked eleven or twelve.

"Hi aunty, we're from St Nicholas Girls' School!" They mention something about newspapers. My mother goes to get the newspapers, which I hand to them.

Mom: "Do you accept clothes too?"
Girl: "Yeah."
Mom: "What's this for? The Salvation Army?"
Girls: "Uh... no."
Mom: "Then what's it for?"
-silence-
Girl: "Uh, recycling. It's to save the earth."
-Girls giggle to themselves-
Girl: "Yeah, it's to, uh, protect the environment."
-Girls giggle-
Mom: "You're going to recycle my clothes? I might as well give the clothes to the Salvation Army, right!"

They leave with our newspapers and a very small bag of clothes. Ha! Bullshitting got them nowhere!

(admittedly, it was something I would have said.)

here in calvinland, everything is fun!

2008-02-28T20:52:00.003+08:00

We're doing Inventing Games for PE this term. It's really weird. We have to listen to PE lectures and come up with PE reports. I'm still trying to say those words together to make sure they can coexist peacefully as terms. I thought PE stood for Puerile Ekke-ekke-p'tang-zoo-boing, or something about Bruneians having fun.

Also, Inventing Games just makes me think of Calvin and Hobbes.

WE SHOULD INVENT CALVINBALL (but it wouldn't do the idea any justice).

My two favourite comics and Dilbert and the aforementioned. Interesting that the two are really different. Dilbert has really smart office jokes and insights on life, but these are usually portrayed so someone looks stupid (likely Dilbert or the pointy-haired boss) and cynicism comes through. Calvin and Hobbes has cynicism too, but the very idea of a precocious six-year-old and his (maybe) imaginary tiger running around and finding insights on life in whatever stupid they do produces an empathy the reader feels for the main characters, a trait hard to find in comic strips - there is only so much emotion you can evoke in the reader using ink, paper and dialogue alone, and Calvin and Hobbes manages it.

bohemia is not a bad word

2008-02-28T18:21:00.002+08:00

My computer is full of shit. Own up now! Because there're always those cistern thingies in the toilet, or urinals, and WHO TOOK A DUMP IN THE URINAL? is so much better than WHO TOOK A DUMP IN MATTHEW'S COMPUTER?

I shall be getting a new computer next Sunday latest! The IT Show visits again. I'll start being nice to the parents again, so they'll get me a Macbook and a digital camera! Awesome. No one refuses Mooty when he puts on his blue suede shoes, especially when he kicks them in the nuts and snatches their wallets.

The Science Club ended their two part announcement thriller today's morning assembly. They had prerecorded some clips alluding to tunnels and Harry Potter (though I may have imagined up the Harry Potter bit in my untamed and unbounded amusement) and they played it. The voice acting was horrible, and the background noises drowned out the voices, so it kinda evened out to a state of general ineptitude. I thank God that where He gave brains aplenty, he left out the other stuff. Like living out an interesting life, or creativity, or getting filthy lucre.

Also, Ryan has reached the level of lameness which we don't even reprimand him for. We just stare at our classmates in equally commiserating stares and/or slam the tables in despair. Ryan's a nice guy when he doesn't open his mouth, but I WANT TO DISEMBOWEL HIM every time he says something stupid.

Totally stealing my glory, that Ryan.

should just scan documentaries through my brain

2008-02-27T22:31:00.002+08:00

I'm barely awake or coherent, yet I must study for History. My dreams are already coagulating and clotting with the amorphous mass that is my understanding of the causes of the French Revolution. Fact or fiction? What's the difference?

I don't even understand the significance the knickers King Louie bought from K-Mart had in the context of the "George Bush vs. Vietnam" War. Where does Barbra Streisand come into the picture, and what's her relationship with Napoleon?

Raffles Players, Monday
Mush: *blah blah* Tyra Banks!
Me: Haha, you made a pop culture reference! You're funny!

Whatever. Wit. Walliteration. WHATEVER. I go continue mugging.

if we're shit, at least we fertilise.

2008-02-27T18:52:00.005+08:00

Hi all

Please find attached my list of suggestions and recommendations for a revamp of the Rafflesian Times. I find it especially crucial that we rethink the concept of RT, especially since it isn't really respected as a school paper amongst the student populace.

--
Matthew Chan

--

Dear EXCO,

Please read what Matthew has written. I want to discuss this on Friday before the meeting. Please have your lunch asap after your last lesson and meet me at 1.15pm at the venue for the meeting. I’m printing this out for reference and I want you to do the same too. Also, please remember to bring your own article drafts as well.

Regards,

Ms Kong

Eeps. I feel important. I wrote it out a month or so ago, but I only just sent it out in the afternoon. People laugh at RT. They call it Raffles Toilet Paper, and I'm quite sure they didn't say that of it before we joined the exco.

It is true. RT has morphed into a tabloid, a very badly written one at that, and while I was enthusiastic this time last year, happily drafting my articles and pointing and grinning at my published name, I feel really sad about the CCA this year, like it's a burden to my social life, my writing life, my self-esteem. I say that I'm in it for the CCA points, that I don't really care how it's being but who doesn't want to make everything they do vaguely successful?

The fact is, RT's scope has been severely limited since RInspire came into existence, and when the inevitable comparisons are made between the two, obviously RInspire will emerge victorious. RInspire was made with the parents in mind - copies are sent to the parents via snail mail - and a hefty budget is granted to fund its glossy and full-color pages, and the articles are sent in by members of the school who have been chosen to submit articles because they're obviously of a certain writing standard, instead of forced on members of the CCA. RT is a student's newspaper. We were on recycled paper until this year, and our publication COSTS students. It is a bitter job, peddling newspapers to RI students. Not funny when students snatch a copy, browse extensively, throw it back at you and mime wiping their butt (not that anyone has actually done that to me, but it's what I would have done myself had I not been in the CCA). We make a loss every issue. There is a budget to accommodate this, of course, but it doesn't matter to the gloating RInspire members.

I do not dispute the fact that there are, of course, many fundamental problems with RT, but the basic point is that when RInspire members laugh at RT for being inferior, it is like US pointing to the world and sneering at their lack of technology. It was never meant to be a fair fight, since RInspire is a magazine meant to advertise and extol the goodness that Raffles has to offer, while RT's main purpose is to entertain bored, cynical RI students. Very tough, indeed.

I know I would do a better job of the newspaper if I had the commitment, but most of last year I was just trying to fool around, scraping some decent grades while playing around and moaning about my life. I think at this moment, with so much on my mind (not all school-related), it's kind of better, because I don't have time to gripe. I just have to trust.

shut up! maturity is relative!

2008-02-27T00:15:00.003+08:00

I was just thinking I should hold a birthday party this year, because then everyone invited would be obliged to give me presents, and I'll close my eyes when they give me the present and pretend they actually mean it.

It's just nine more months. Someone, order the drugs and beer already.

of imaginary cuddly tigers that nestle at the fireplace

2008-02-25T23:03:00.003+08:00

Why did I post this? I have absolutely no idea and I have lots of things due Tomorrow or the Day After.

Just hypothetically speaking, wouldn't it be cool if you had a harmless stuffed tiger that you could put in your pencil case? When's Action City gonna make those?

shrekkkkkkkk

2008-02-25T21:02:00.003+08:00

Whoo! I got full marks for the math CCT!

It's just something the class hates me for. It's like, when anyone else gets full marks for something, it'd be a happy occasion, but I get full marks and the class glares at me and screams, "TYCO!" I'll probably fail the next one, but c'est la vie! The trick is to milk your minor victories for as long as you get.

Shihang: ...damnit! You got lucky this time!
Me: Oh, shut up. Do your corrections.

I grow weary of our form teacher. I can stand sarcastic teachers, I can stand lame teachers, I can stand teachers who don't support the same football team as I do, but I will never, ever bear a teacher who doesn't have a sense of humour.

"Why you'all laugh so much ah?"

o_o That's like asking us why we fart from our noses, or come up with bad analogies.

don't choose me for projects

2008-02-25T00:03:00.002+08:00

I'm not a very productive person, especially on Sunday afternoons after church. We had to do a country brief and a proposal for the UN project, which wasn't something that entertained me very much.

Someone shoot me.

rawrrrrk

2008-02-24T21:08:00.002+08:00

Kids like me, because I don't like to bite children below ten. At CIP, this fat guy clung on to me (METAPHORICALLY, because if otherwise I would have bitten him) until I pissed him off by stealing his plasticine. But at the end of the lesson he still went all, "Next week you come? Pleeeeasssssseeeee?" Geez. I actually prefer them all pissed, because their muscles tense up and they taste like adults anyway.

I went to Koon's house today to do SS. Daniel, Weeps and Sagar were there, surfing porn and doing the chicken dance with bananas. (Which is a really bad thing to say, because some people may actually believe me :/) Daniel brought Tim Tams.

Me: Let's do the Tim Tam Slam!
Daniel: ... I knew you'd say that.

Daniel: It'd be so cool if someone was named Timothy Tam! Like, he'd be Tim Tam for short!
Me: Ha! Yeah!
Daniel: I mean, think of the pick-up lines!
Me: Heh. "Hey, I'm Tim Tam. You can spill Milo all over me and suck it off."
--

Singapore wins bid to host 2010 youth olympics says:
noot
moot
is the oral script due tmr?
moot
MATTHEWZ says:
I am daoing you.
Singapore wins bid to host 2010 youth olympics says:
moot...
this is serious
[.spencer.] My maths is without a shred of doubt... doubtable. says:
eh moot, please :x
Singapore wins bid to host 2010 youth olympics says:
cmon moot
mooty
pls
MATTHEWZ says:
who's the genius?
Singapore wins bid to host 2010 youth olympics says:
erm...u???
MATTHEWZ says:
say it as a definitive statement
not as a half-hearted rhetorical question
Singapore wins bid to host 2010 youth olympics says:
ow
ok mooty is the only genius in the world
MATTHEWZ says:
right.
as to your question
I have no idea.
Singapore wins bid to host 2010 youth olympics says:
ok ty mooty
ur brillance juz abt covers ur foolishness
u are a foolish genius
a stupid smart-alec
basically i will dao u tmr
dun worry
MATTHEWZ says:
that's not even funny
or bad in any way
go ahead.
Singapore wins bid to host 2010 youth olympics says:
i knew it
[.spencer.] My maths is without a shred of doubt... doubtable. says:
ya, that's not much of a threat :/
Singapore wins bid to host 2010 youth olympics says:
i will flame ur blog???
and follow u home??
wadeva
--
[.spencer.] My maths is without a shred of doubt... doubtable. says:
how many words is your biographical outline?
please? ;o
MATTHEWZ says:
who's the master of the universe?
[.spencer.] My maths is without a shred of doubt... doubtable. says:
moot!
MATTHEWZ says:
yay!
we haven't DONE our biographical outline yet.
--
Dan says:
hey moot hee
when is lit
test
MATTHEWZ says:
yesterday
Dan says:
damn
i didn't have excuse for it
i going to get zero
MATTHEWZ says:
yeah
Dan says:
did you?
MATTHEWZ says:
the question on macbeth was a complete throw-off
but otherwise I think I passed
go for the retest tomororw
the answers are: A, B, yes, no, super, kelly, fragile, list, tick, ex, pier, li, doe, cious
Dan says:
but...
i can't!
i didn't have valid excuse!
besides, everyone knows the answer to 'is macbeth a dickhead' is 'yes'
so you've lost a mark there
MATTHEWZ says:
seriously?
damn.
and I was thinking question four was the easiest
so MacBeth's wife isn't "kelly"?
Dan says:
wellll
it's the anglicisation of the celtic form, kill-he
which is more correct i think
MATTHEWZ says:
oh
Dan says:
but oh well
MATTHEWZ says:
maybe I'll get half a mark
Dan says:
i'm not sure if the sex they had was 'super'
is that an opinion question?
MATTHEWZ says:
but his thingy definitely was "fragile", right?
Dan says:
oh yes
you'll get two ticks for that
ermmm
MATTHEWZ says:
uh, no, question 3 was either 'super' or 'freaking lousy, and you're an idiot'
Dan says:
damn
are you sure macduff's lover was a 'doe'?
and like not 'stag'
MATTHEWZ says:
you've been reading too many 'macduff <3 macbeth' fanfics!
Dan says:
crud
i think so
but they're so addictive!
i mean
the lines make so much more sense!
take lady macbeth
'sex me!'
MATTHEWZ says:
definitely not that lame 'I loveth thee, but I hath to kill thee' line that macduff utters at the end
Dan says:
sounds so much more plausible
but what about the part where macbeth goes to school?
macbeth: to be, or not to be.
teacher: that's not a question, foo!
*slaps*
and he failed that lit assignment
it makes him so much more human
MATTHEWZ says:
true
but that was more comical than tragic
and the way he accidentally ATE banquo's head for recess was just horrible
Dan says:
yuuuck
don't remind me
then again the scene in which he gets raped by the three witches was so powerful
MATTHEWZ says:
ugh
Dan says:
it shaped his destiny
and broke his thingy
MATTHEWZ says:
"where shall we three meet again, in lightning, thunder or in macbeth?"

I'm sleepy and haven't done anything. Everything's due A Few Days Later, which doesn't equate Tomorrow, and thus seems perfectly distant. Bye. My leaves and I close shop for the night.

miasmickey mouse

2008-02-23T19:51:00.005+08:00

I would join more merit CCAs, but I think I've joined just about every merit CCA I'm interested in that does not clash with another merit CCA in which I'm more interested. Two merit CCAs (three if Hongfei accepts me in The Rafflesian, which is useless, precisely my intention to join). Friday afternoons are now crazy, but it's good. I get to write and boss people around in the Rafflesian Times, and the Raffles Players is fun, with the Freudian slips and all. (R doesn't know what Freudian slips are; I asked.)

For a line that went "You want to check on the boys now?", I went "You want to check OUT the boys now?" and everyone laughed, me the loudest. Though, not that I actually have lines. I play Tree, remember?

I went to Shoujian's house thereafter to start, and work on ERP. It was meant to be an overnight thing. Coffee - and Shoujian's expensive Lindt chocolates - and pushups did not help. I still dropped dead on the bed before two. Raffles Players is one of the craziest energy-sapping things ever, and I slept at 1am the previous night to do some random probably-ungraded history skit script that sucked anyway.

Sleepovers are fun, though, if you don't actually have to rush out homework. While having your mind on like twenty other things happening next week.

Next week is overkill.

English CCT (compre without summary)
SS test (UN)
LitRA test (unseen poem)
History CCT (causes of the French Revolution)
ERP presentation
SS country brief/proposal presentation
--

Apparently my old primary school classmate thinks I'm weird. And when I think of 'weird' I think of people sitting at the back of the class busy being friendless and muttering to themselves, and burning ants with magnifying glasses and smashing cockroaches with HAMMERS.

(Everyone knows mallets are more effective.)

I guess I have to work towards being normal once in a while. Right now, the people who don't know me well think I'm weird, and the people who know me well WISH THEY DIDN'T.

for something that never got mentioned in the news

2008-02-23T19:48:00.001+08:00

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but then not ALL americans are dumb

2008-02-21T22:02:00.002+08:00

Singapore won the Youth Olympic Games bid!

I have no idea what to feel. I had been following the shortlists with passing interest. It's pretty cool that we won, anyway. There'd be tourists everywhere in 2010, taking photos!

If I still have an ORA card to fill up, I could con them with a dog and a Chinese accent.

Me: Masters! Masters! Come here!
Tourists: Yes?
Me: I poor boy. I name Chang Fei. This my dog Bilo. It do tricks. Do tricks Bilo! *Bilo dies*
Tourist: Oh, the poor native! Let's donate some money!
Me: Yes, thanks you our great masters! Write your name also, is good luck.
Policeman *runs over*: Boy! What are you doing there! You're not allowed to tout on the streets -
Me: Oh no! Is my stepfather! He's will beat me! I run! Bye!

(t)wit

2008-02-21T20:46:00.004+08:00

I drink too much Milo. I had two packets at recess and one for dinner at Macs. It's okay, right? I don't really trust milk-based drinks these days. I'm always worried that they'll give me stomachaches or boobs.

Still, I have an awakened desire to perform a Tim Tam Slam with Milo, Because All The Hot Chicks Do It.

(which shall thereon be my new argument-ender. It's like, "Why did you do all your homework?" "Because all the hot chicks do it." "Why did you smoke pot?" "Because all the hot chicks do it." "Why the hell did you smack me on the face?" "Because all the hot chicks do it.")

Though once again I face this with apprehension, as I do with everything which deems itself as a "Slam". Somehow or other that always reminds me of poetry slam, and of bearded and turbaned men dancing around coconut trees and doing somersaults.

Also, this random guy who was playing soccer after school with us recognised me. "Hey, I remember you, you're the one who sang at RGS and dropped your skirt," he said in a droll matter-of-fact tone before striding off. I feigned ignorance. Huh? What skirt? What kind of, uh, sissy gay would do such a thing?

their shorts threatening to burst at the seams

2008-02-20T20:34:00.003+08:00

Last night I had this weird dream. I was in a Chem test in which I started realising I screwed up really badly because I asked the teacher something about the test, then somehow or other I had a weird variation of an iPhone.

Considering which outcome would be likely, given me, I am not very heartened. My dreams are divided into different chapters, based on pockets of my subconscious. Some chapters are absurdly bad, and some are fantastically awesome. Why can't I just get normal stuff, like mysterious visions of the Immaculate Conception? :(

PSGM today. I have no idea when PSGMs started getting screwed up, but when in doubt, blame Junyong. The Sec Ones are still all over him, with the SHREK JOKE.

Sec One: Hey, we came up with the joke first! We copyrighted it!
Me: What! I was the one who came up with it first! Please.
Sec One: No! We did!
Amit: Kevin Kwek did!
Me: NOOOOOOOO!

The Sec Ones can have it. It wasn't that funny anyway.

Sec 1L is horribly Freudian, in a very blatant way that undermines the whole idea of innuendo. You're just supposed to give a artful chuckle!

Sec One: Hey, pass the ball!
Whole class: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
Other Sec One: No, I won't pass the ball!
Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Other Sec One: Hey, Junyong, you're like Shrek! Big and strong!
Whole class: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Deprived. DEPRIVED.

And there's this other small guy sitting alone at the back of the class, in a chair which has a broken back. He reads during PSGM and when we ask him to do stuff, he'll roll his eyes and not say anything. This is very, very irritating, yet we can't do anything about it.

For this, I don't like being a PSL. The Sec Ones have grown wings, they're flying high, they've got friends, they're better than the Sec Fours. I don't know if it's anything to do with the Rafflesian Spirit, so much as it's the parents' upbringing, or whatever. I don't want to go into another extended rant about elitism again, but I just feel it's... sad. We've reached that stage where all most of us do is feed off the glory of past Rafflesians, feeling big. I can't believe I was like that when I was Sec One. I was more... awed than anything, still getting used to the white-and-white, the quaint green railings of the old Admin Block, etc etc. The Sec Ones of today? Walk up to anyone (shorts or pants or whatever) and make their demands, or very rude enquiries.

Anyway, the Sec Ones laugh too much, as can be gleaned. We can't talk without someone making a (not) funny sex-related comment (relevant or otherwise) and the whole class bursting into laughter. EVEN I AIN'T LIKE THAT.

I can walk, so can you!

2008-02-19T19:07:00.004+08:00

I was trying to crack lame jokes today. The good thing about trying to make lame jokes is that you NEVER fail.

This joke is good.

A: Where can you find the most Filipinos on a Sunday afternoon?
B: Lucky Plaza?
A: The Phillipines!

Also,

Zaki: What do woodlouses eat?
Me: Uh, what?
Zaki: Wood! *chuckles for five minutes at own joke*

I felt I could do better.

Me: Oh my gosh, I have one! What do termites eat?
Zaki: ...wood?
Me: TERMITE-FOOD! HAHAHAH!
Zaki: Uh, okay...
Me: Heh, what do FINGERS eat?
Zaki: Finger food! Hahaha!
Me: Yeah! What do CUPBOARDS eat?
Zaki: Cupboard-food!
Me: WRONG! Cupboards don't eat! Ahahaha! I tricked you!
Zaki: What?! But... fingers don't eat as well!
Me: Oh, uh... aw, shut up. You're just sore.

I was humbled after Lit lesson.

Junyong: Matthew, have you heard about the joke? You get someone to say "mouse house mouse house"...
Me: Uh, okay, mouse house mouse house, then?
Junyong: What is a cat scared of?
Me: Uh, mouse. Wait, CRAP!

This is the RI community. We go around with five-syllabic vocabularies and ostentatious accordion files in tow, but deep down, we have the maturity of a very slow baboon (except that most of us are toilet trained).

Me: How many limbs does a table have?
Jon: Four?
Me: HAHAHA!!!!! YOU FORGOT THE HEAD!!!!! *points to tabletop*
Jon: ...a head isn't a limb.

Aye. We masters of lame jokes, we have our pitfalls too.
--

R's favourite word is 'Freudian', because Freud sees sex in everything. Freud also thinks little children have a tendency to want to screw their parents, which means that you shouldn't be using the word "Freudian" everywhere.

"That's So Freudian!" could be this warped, twisted version of "That's So Raven!", anyhow. Little children in giant banana suits will walk around the set, flagellating themselves with springy frankfurters.

I don't even know what "That's So Raven!"'s about, but it could work.

Me: R, what're you buying?
R: Chicken hor fun.
Me: Oh my gosh! "That's so Freudian!"
R: How so?
Me: You know what 'chicken' means, right?
R: Yeah.
Me: And you know what's 'hor'?
R: Yeah! Okay, what about 'fun'?
Me: Why else would you go to a whore?

That conversation actually happened. And these.

Me: *puts bag on empty S-11 seat*
R: Matthew, we shouldn't take up too many seats, just put your bag with mine -
Me: Gosh, R! We're RI boys, we get two seats each, remember?

Me: Junyong, chifan! Jarrell, chifan! R, chifan!
Jarrell: Junyong, chifan! R, chifan! Matthew, jiasai!
Me: *mimes eating R*

Jarrell: You know, I really think R will remain a virgin his whole life.
Me: You never know. That's what beer's for.

yes, I am bigoted, deal with it

2008-02-18T22:10:00.004+08:00

The ACS(I) boy who commited suicide has a blog.

It's pretty weird to visit the blog of someone - passed on, isn't it? It was updated last week, but there's something empty in the blog. You know there will never be a new post, be new input or insight. You scan through the posts for hints of his eventual demise, but find nothing. Nothing nice.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, this 2 girls come to sit beside me.

" Hi, whats your name?"
" er,"
"Whats your name?"
" why?"
" We would like to talk to you"
" er ok, wenyi"

and blah blah, what year and sht and my religion.

AND

THEY TLAKED ABT FRIGGIN GOD

URhfigeapkjnthue4i-2o1[RPLFEKMEHGJUITFROpeld,;fkhjntguIT0R2
O[Qpw

so go on and on abt the gospel how they are christians and blah blah.

After like so long.

" Why dont you just go find somewhere else to talk to..."
" We have specially chosen you, God.." whatever whatever.

So i say i dont want to talk abt god.

And they came on abt this story.

They talked about sheeps.

" The shepherd had 1000 sheeps, one day 1 of the 1000 sheeps got missing, and the shepherd went all he could to look for that one sheep not caring the 999 other sheeps.
THIS is how god is like, you are precious to him, he will do all he can to get your attention to get you."

Oh and fk you, so god is now a irresponsible dickhead who will willingly toss away 999 lives to save 1 person.

The only god is wenyi, now just bow before and suck my dick.

It's funny in a really sad way, right? How he probably went down refusing to put his hope in the chance of something higher, something mightier.

What a rude shock it must have been.

like a slap in the face

2008-02-18T21:33:00.001+08:00

MATTHEWZ says:
your ancestors were probably pirates

terre, dust, here I LIVE says:
but then i'd be TANNED
and thieving
and deceptive
and greedy

MATTHEWZ says:
well, you're three of those

terre, dust, here I LIVE says:
ooh
which three?

MATTHEWZ says:
and tans can be cultivated

head boys make for good clean down-to-earth fun

2008-02-18T20:27:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIGEL!!!

Today, as a class, we

broke a chair
hid it in the stack of chairs at the back I like to think is mine
ignored Shanzhi
taupoked him after that
sat for a math test
made the usual Mr Vijay jokes
poked fun of R for two disparate occasions and reasons
snorted with laughter at yet another chem lesson

We daoed Shanzhi for the first part of the day. Shanzhi sauntered into class, feeling big about himself and expecting some raucous celebration or greeting, but received none. I like to think he got a rude shock, but you see, you can be too big for the school, but you never can be too big for my class.

During recess, we were all walking for recess, with Shanzhi somewhere in front, when R piped up, "Are we still daoing Shanzhi ah?" The whole thing ended abruptly.

And omg I love God because the math CCT was so freaking easy!!!!! I almost feel like I'm in deep love with math, except my love is more of the beat-it-up-and-deny-it-meals-when-pissed variety. Normally called Marriage.

And then I'll pretend to make out with Chinese just to spite Maths, only to bitch-slap Chinese and leave home and attempt suicide.

I hate my wives. Rifles are much cooler.

On the bus home there was this smallish Caucasian girl at the bus stop who asked me a question about the bus queue and stood behind me. She liked to hum and talk to herself (or maybe she was talking to me. I was pretending I didn't notice her existence, because THAT IS WHAT SINGAPOREANS DO). And there was this boy in the bus who liked to randomly shriek words and observations while I was trying to sleep while standing.

Like, what's with small kids being pesky and irritating! I like small kids, but right now we're in a "you look cute, but if you disturb my sleep I will punch your head in" kind of relationship.

(Happy birthday Shanzhi.)

must be painful for you guys too

2008-02-17T22:46:00.003+08:00

(I'm staying up the night before the math test. I'm convinced that I can do no more preparation, but I'm worried that if I sleep I may be missing out some crucial practice, so here I am, blogging and writing a story.)

The first thing to run out in a fire is time.

Confucius say, when emo man smoke grass, he turn green and get cut by blade.

I spend half my lifeforce thinking up lame smart-sounding things like that. I have a weird bruise on my knee that I don't recall having before I made a few wisecracks on the mass MSN convo. It's like, every time I make a wisecrack, I'm actually cracking MYSELF.

Ouch. Migraine.

the flesh is weak and the spirit is dead

2008-02-17T21:25:00.001+08:00

When I say "Maths" you say "Rocks"! Maths! Maths!

MATHS!?

the point where something gets too cruel that it turns funny

2008-02-17T17:27:00.002+08:00

There's a math test tomorrow! I'm still hopeless in circular measure, no matter how easy the TA was and everything. My calculator will probably fail me. The battery's ran out and it's running solely on solar power now. I would probably calculate radians using the DEGree function. I would not notice the circle property required until the last minute.

Murphy is my best friend.

At this juncture, I would probably have made a lame joke, but there's no Farce left in me. I can't put together coherent blogposts anymore, etc etc. I really should just post bunny photos and totally pointless MSN convos all the time.

Uh, sorry, bunnies wuz out of stock, so you get bonsai kittens instead!

Aren't you lucky! Look, the bonsai kitten's looking at you! It likes you! Say hi, bonsai kitten!

got a few thousand words down there, then

2008-02-16T22:10:00.005+08:00

I like my planner. It's one of the few organised things about me (that is, if you ignore the crazy doodles. I have invented whole alien races [like the Faps - to be introduced in another post, perhaps] and 3D wonders in this planner.). I even do homework now!

And it looks deceptively bohemianly messy, too!

Also, you know something's wrong when you now use 'hippy', 'indie' and 'bohemian' interchangeably.

This morning I woke up at ten to see my mother with another man, in the kitchen. He was seven, and looked pretty stoned. I have no idea why anyone would give tuition before 10 in the morning just to earn some money on the side.

I would consider it if it earned me money and/or substantial CIP hours, but the kid was fairly autistic-looking, and we all know what would REALLY happen if I had to tutor a fairly autistic kid.

This!

I drew that on the whiteboard at the CC today, where we were doing CIP. (I would talk about that to clarify, but CIP events are hardly blogworthy.) Heh, I'm gory and morbid and perfectly insane! Someone, quick, nominate me for an Emmy!

I drew that because I drew

and Stacy thought it was morbid. I mean, this isn't morbid at all! It's even kind of cute. Hehehe. Yay, win! I should find a cute bunny photo and caption it thus.

I had a full packet of Fruit Juice Bears on Thursday night.

I had many Fruit Juice Bears on Friday morning.

I had Fruit Juice Bears on Friday night.

I had one Fruit Juice Bear this morning.

I don't have any Fruit Juice Bears.

WHY THAT BEAR HAZ HEAD )=

Not before this demonic union of bears, captured with an ailing camera. I just realised that the bears look like Clinton and Obama. Ha! Take that, Clinton! I had your head for breakfast, woman!
--

The CIP was really boring. We cut circles even as we had expected to get kids to take care of / amuse.

Yiling: Let's think of some games for them!
Me: Oh, they're Muslim right? Anyone got any cards? We could let them play bridge.
Them: What?
Me: Then we could tell their parents they're gambling, and they'll, like, get sent to rehab!

Who did you think I meant "to amuse"?

[I know I am an I in DISC, but it took awhile to get used to being Inane, Idiotic, and Iffensive (which basically means 'offensive' in a really alliterative way).]

cheese jerky

2008-02-15T23:07:00.004+08:00

I survived today, but barely. I did not stay awake in SS, and I did not stay awake in History.

I wanna make tiramisu too, and I shall run tomorrow morning after getting a sufficient sleep-in!

Mmm. Nice to know that you have a plan.

Playwriting workshop was fun. We didn't really do much tangible, but I feel that I've learnt much about literature and the creative process. Writing is all about channeling the creative energies in you, transcribing it onto paper to form images that everyone else can relate to.

Some day I shall write a minimalist comedy. All I need are two extremely flatulent men and a hot chick. Don't ask why.

which means I'm totally lucky I didn't go to HCI

2008-02-14T22:23:00.002+08:00

My father's birthday lies on Valentine's Day. It's pretty weird.

I'm staying up tonight. I usually try to sleep before twelve because I still want to GROW UP but some days are just... coffee days.

Coffee doesn't work on me. I think I should just inject caffeine into my veins.

- Philo assignment (presentation likely tomorrow)
- Lit writing start, humour

Tomorrow
- Total Defence Day *tearful hugs and applause as we run around the hall, finding someone to celebrate with. Damn, I just love saying that.*
- Thermometer day
- 12.40pm RT exco meeting
- 2/2.30pm? Aaron Maniam speech
- 3.30 - 6.30: Michael Huxley workshop, part two
- thereafter: helping out at the Lunar New Year dinner to give back to the community
- sister leaves for New Zealand at the same time

Whatever happened to free Friday afternoons! Note that I'm skipping waterpolo AND Raffles Players already.

Talking about nostalgia, I arrived in school today in shorts, because I couldn't find the pants. Everyone laughed at me and said that I look like a Sec One. I was so pissed.

I do.

it's not that easy to make jokes funny, except those of the FART variety

2008-02-13T21:26:00.004+08:00

I was late for PSGM today, but, yes, the Sec Ones really gave Junyong hell, apparently. Even afterwards:

Sec One: Hey, Junyong, do you like the movie Shrek? *giggles*

And I was pretty surprised that he made the same joke as me, but I guess there's only so many jokes you can make about something. Sec Ones don't know that. They think continually making jokes about the same thing is being funny.

Or maybe the Sec One reads my blog. A few weeks back some guy went up to me and said, "Eh, Matthew, how come you haven't updated your blog in so long!" "What? I update everyday!" "Wait, your blog is the one with the Chicken Little blogskin, right?" My English blog, and they found it!

I fear the day where I would walk into their class and they'd burst into laughter, pointing at me and making weird tiramisu-esque jokes. Little tykes!
--

I was late for PSGM because I went to meet Ms Kuang. Every year, the LitRA students meet her to discuss their literary plans. It's pretty cool, except for the fact that since last year's conversation, I haven't done much.

Ms Kuang: So last year, you mentioned that you wanted to do a novel, right?
Me: ...whut? I said that?

I mentioned that I want to do humorous non-fiction commentaries, as in a Neil Humphrey's column. (I wouldn't have considered non-fiction last year. Things change.) She recommended me to Dave Barry.

Dave Barry is pretty funny, in a silly kind of way. I'll read his articles for awhile and see what happens. Humour is a really tall order, after all. I mean, you know that fine line between charming insanity and sheer lameness? Last I noticed, I'd erased it.

chicken chow mein kampf

2008-02-12T21:00:00.000+08:00

I'm in the Raffles Players production, as an artistic tree. That's what I tell anyone who asks me. I flail my arms and shout stuff to lure the tree-nymphs out to play pixies under me.

Seriously though. I have a strange knack of nailing all the hopelessly minor, yet significantly kinky and controversial roles! Snap.

(I mean, tree-nymph-luring-artistic-tree? Unsafe.)

Also, we have a Chem open-book test tomorrow. I liked Chem last year, but then I didn't have a teacher who so completely distracts me every single lesson. And last year I didn't really go around during practicals trying to burn my tongs and heat up mysterious concoctions of the bench chemicals till they boil and squirt stuff all over. Though IT IS REALLY JUST A PASSING WHIM.

Beng didn't come to school today. He's probably sick again. I think since the incident he has become slightly better, though in what ways I probably won't know.

"Hey Mooty, since we all won't have dates on Valentine's Day, why don't all go out to watch a movie?"

"OI! Who says I won't have a date?! I can choose to go out with, uh, Lucy and Suzie and, uh Mary! Stop insulting me!"

Beng gave a dry chuckle and went back to doing his work.

He actually initiated a conversation with me! Maybe he treats me as a friend (because I'm one of the few people who still talk to him at all), or maybe he just wants to kill me in a urinal and flush me away on Thursday.

I may never know. Mary's free on that day.

I look stupid but, uh, they're worse, right?

2008-02-11T21:05:00.000+08:00

The latest community service thing to hit school is Youth Got Heart!

It is hilarious. I now play a game called "Discover the Pun" with my friends.

"Wow, YOUTH Got Heart! Geddit? It's like YOU'VE got heart, except it's YOUTH got heart! Awesome! It's like, the YOUTH refers to YOU, except it actually sounds more like YOU'VE! Oh. My. Gosh. It's like a pun! Wow! It's YOUTH got Heart!..."

Ironically enough, I was so busy laughing at the catchy name that I have no idea what the whole Youth Got Heart thing is all about.

...though I can totally imagine such a crazed soulless CIP supporter as Stacy to sign up for everything available, just for the CIP hours. I bet she'd do it if the community gave her one CIP hour to kneel down before it and call it "Uncle"! Gosh.

(Not that I wouldn't.)

(Also, serving the community to amass CCA points to join the communist school? Whaaaaat??? Everyone knows that the communists go around unshelving library books and pushing old people off wheelchairs JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT.)

I mean, who doesn't need the extra lives?

2008-02-11T20:04:00.000+08:00

You know what? I'm not so sure I want to be featured in the newspapers, EVER. The onslaught has started.

"Junyong, I want some tiramisu too! Lurbs!"

"Wah, $40 ah!"

"Aw, so sweet!"

And those jibes came from me ALONE. You could very well imagine what the rest were doing to him.

Even our Sec Ones know about it. ("Hey Matthew! Where's Junyong? STRAITS TIMES PAGE 36 DID YOU READ???" Apparently one guy from the class saw the article and messaged EVERYONE in the class. Nice.) Poor Junyong. We still love you, but let us have our fun for a few more days lah!

The only thing missing is the ass, and we could all take turns to be that!

--
[me and Theodore pinion Timo's arms and tickle him]
Jarrell: Lol, Timo's getting trapped by a cat and a dumb spastic guy.
Me: Huh? Uh... meow meow!

[tennis court, after school]
Shanzhi: Is Shoujian there? Oh, there he is.
Me: Oh. And there I was, thinking only the first team were practicing. Silly me.
[Shoij slams a ball in my direction, into the netting]
Shanzhi: What's the score?
Shoij: 4-1 lah!
Me: Oh, you played?
[Shoij slams another ball]

He deserved it! He was making sour comments about my Chinese New Year shirt.

be glad I ain't making puns

2008-02-10T21:50:00.001+08:00

Some days I feel terribly unfunny.

So I adds randoms 's'es to the backs of my words ands trys to pass thats offs as wit.

...whatever. You guys still love me, right?

my hitherto unrevealed tennis ball fetish

2008-02-09T12:04:00.000+08:00

We didn't go visiting yesterday. I basically spent the day at home doing nothing, even though we have visiting today and tomorrow and Sending Sister Off At The Airport today.

My sisters will depart for New Zealand one after the other, leaving me with the parents for nine months! What cruelty! Also, I need a camera and/or a new funky cameraphone. I like the Sony-Ericsson W950i, in brown.

I have been growing plants on my desk, on a whim. It's pretty fun, and I just have to water it each time I remember, pouring a bit of my cup into the containers. YES, I've been sharing my cup with the plants. JEALOUS?

The green bean plant is really easy to grow. It's like super tall now in just two weeks, but I accidentally threw a tennis ball on it and the stem looks dead and crumpled. The chilli plant is really slow. I planted four seeds, and two sprouts are just beginning to appear, but it'll probably be sturdier and stuff.

There was something about gardening in my devotional yesterday: patience, fruits of the Spirit, whatever. What is God trying to tell me about my plants? Should I be worried? Are bouncy missiles detrimental to the growth of an average green bean plant?

Such questions, I may never find the answer, but at least I can contend myself with the fact that I have green fingers.

Green, as in tennis ball.

Bwahaha! I snuggle myself into schoolbags of random RI boys and pretend to be their Wilson Trainer! I totally wasn't stolen from the RI PE department!

which means I'm basically doing their government's job for them

2008-02-09T11:56:00.000+08:00

(larger)

Every time I smile for a photo, a baby in Africa dies.

you have no chance of survive make your time

2008-02-08T15:38:00.000+08:00

There it is.

For more, click my Flickr badge on the sidebar. My photographing activity in the last two months!

(or just the slightly fancy, non-inane ones.)

magical mystery tour of magical mystery houses

2008-02-08T10:00:00.000+08:00

After one more night of the Xbox at my grandmother's house, I am so much better at Winning Eleven. I beat Jeremiah in an epic 40 minute game! 5-4! I equalised three times and brought the score to 5-3 before he scored his fourth and threatened to equalise, at which point I started clearing the ball all the time to stifle his play till the final whistle. Like, important day for all people-who-don't-have-Xboxes everywhere!

That said, I need an Xbox. My skillz are in need of honin'.

Jeremiah will join rugby. He does have the build for it, though I beat him in arm wrestling. Still, in rugby, you just throw yourself at your opponent and hope to crack some bones. It's easy.

Talking about fat people,

Spanks: Mooty, you're still so short!
Me: Well, you're not exactly very THIN yourself!
Wayne: Matthew! How could you say that!
Me: Uh, he provoked me.
Wayne: Well, that's still not very nice. Spanks has feelings too!
Me: HUH? Wait, seriously? I thought he was just an animate blob of tofu!

I found that really funny. I mean, tofu! Haha!

And I can make fat jokes, because everyone says I'm fat, right? Gosh, being self-deprecating has never been so fun before!

though, at least they get nine lives

2008-02-07T14:05:00.000+08:00

[stream of guys walking in the opposite direction, in home clothes]
Koon: I think they're from Cat High.
Me [loudly]: Meow!

Theodore, in front, looks back instinctively.

"Omg, did you do that?"

I think he was disappointed that it wasn't a mating call.

I explore the topic much better than monty python

2008-02-07T13:19:00.000+08:00

CLE lessons are often thought-engaging and rarely anything else.

Still, they're fun.

Ms AG: What is life?

"The transition period between being a zygote and a bag of ashes!"
"A vacuum cleaner! It sucks!"
"A box of chocolates!"

Meh. I liked my answer best.

"Life is what happens when two people get drunk!"

and then there were none

2008-02-07T11:59:00.000+08:00

Since I last visited, my grandmother's lift still doesn't stop at every floor.

My Chindian cousins are already in the room, playing Winning Eleven. They bring their small TV and Xbox over and play every year. It's fun, and I play with them. I am horrible at it, especially since they probably play everyday. I need an Xbox.

Jeremiah is Sec One this year, and he went to SJI. BOO. It'd have been so fun if he went to RI, me being a PSL and all. His brothers will probably follow in his footsteps though - they're all in St Michael's! Gabriel is P5, the good-looking one of the lot. Matthias is P2, and cute and boisterous.

[concedes goal]
Matthias: Uh... HAHAHAHA! [does the 'L' sign to a random person] Eh, you know what this means? HAHAHA!

He will grow up to be a me! Somebody, kill him before it's too late!

They switch games to Fifa Street 2 afterwards. I am much better at that.

Aunty Karen prepares dessert every year. Her brownies are nice! I totally have to try baking brownies again once the oven's in order.

so euthanize me

2008-02-06T14:21:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year celebrations in school.

We enjoy them less and less each year, and this year was the worst ever for me. It could be my overdeveloped cynicism, my lack of sleep, or THE FACT THAT THE PROGRAMME THIS YEAR WAS UNINVENTIVE, UNINTERESTING AND UNCOOL.

Almost everything was lame, even the emcees. Especially the emcees.

"Hello guys! We are the....... spanking cool new cool emcees!"

Bad start. They reused a joke from a week ago. I couldn't see clearly from the back of the hall, but at least two of the emcees were from China. I have absolutely nothing against Chinese nationals, but if they are to be selected to be emcees despite their inability to speak English properly, they'd better be interesting.

They weren't.

EMCEE 1. "And it's time for our quiz show! No, it's not Deal or No Deal. It's Correct or No Correct!"

EMCEE 2. "No lah, it's Correct or Incorrect!"

Correct or Incorrect. Honestly. The quiz show filled up time between the different performing segments. I wanted to die, so badly.
There were humourous moments brought about by the miserable show, though.

Random guy: The answer is 福!
Emcee: Huh?
Random guy: Uh, it's 福!
Emcee: What?
Random guy: F-U!
School: HAHAHAAHHA!

And when that had been the most entertaining point of the programme, you can see how lame the whole thing was. I could have been a better emcee, and I laugh too much.

And, no, I decided against going back to Nanyang! :O

Pagliacci

2008-02-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

You know when you try to be everything to everybody, but end up nothing to anyone?

No punchline.

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

2008-02-05T21:32:00.000+08:00

There may be a Nanyang gathering thing tomorrow. I have no idea. Like, I should go there and chum around and pretend I have primary school friends, right? Yet I should probably tag along with the class and go somewhere cool, and pretend my classmates accept my existence!

Meh. I have a feeling I'd just go home. Wouldn't be the first time.

Do you know how blogs have made life totally pointless? It's like, "Oh, yeah, you went to Australia! Yeah, I read your blog." and "Hey, link me!" and various other things to do about blogs that just creep into conversation. My blog is my blog. It sickens me when people talk to me and try to dissect my post and the jokes within. It's like analysing a blonde joke.

I DON'T MAKE SENSE, SO STOP REMINDING ME OF THAT.

Sean: You're a cheap slut, bitch and whore in one!
Me: HEY! I'm not cheap. I'm free.

bismillah NO!

2008-02-05T20:37:00.000+08:00

How many strip dancers does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None. The strip dancers can turn on the lightbulb just by doing their act. Screwing is a bonus.

I came up with that some time ago, inspired (not to mention greatly amused) by this humanshaped lamp at Action City. The on/off switch is the phallus. You flick the switch up to turn the lamp on. Clever contraption, indeed.

I am also off the bottom of the height table, where my class is concerned. Woohoo! Praise the Lord! And the Flying Spaghetti Monster. You guys rock. I like meatballs and Bibles.

We watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail today for Lit. I've always watched it in bits and snatches off Youtube, but I finally watched it today! (I did sleep through some of the laughs, though.) It is true, Monty Python is a classic, but I didn't enjoy it much, other than the few visibly humorous moments. The plot was largely ignored and trivialised in the name of slapstick moments, and the whole thing was outrageously random and ridiculous. I wouldn't say I detested it, but I guess I watched it with the wrong expectations.

We decided after the movie that Monty Python was parodying the idea of Comedy itself while making the movie, deciding to sacrifice some elements of it to MAKE fun at it. Does that make sense? It didn't to me, before I realised that that was exactly how my humour was based on. I parody everything, and people don't get it, and think I'm just being offensive.

I guess this has everything to do with the fact that we're Asian. Asian very stupid! Asian don't get joke! Asian small brain, small penis, small everything!

tortilla chipped tooth

2008-02-04T22:39:00.000+08:00

Squirt has been put in her place. The war on terror goes on. February approaches; the Not-So-Cool Kids in class moan and vex themselves about getting a Valentine. Gosh. Valentine's Day is pretty ridiculous, if not pathetic. No, love isn't overrated, it's just OVERPRICED.

Awesome, then, that it falls a week after Chinese "Moolah" New Year.
--

In other news, my emo gym in the corner of the class has dismantled. My gym is two tall stacks of 11 chairs each. You could sit down and stare out the window for awhile, or you could do body dips with the stacks. But apparently some people needed chairs. And I was wondering why we had 22 spare chairs in our class.

Also, the Sec Ones still go all "MATTHEW!!!!!!!" in their collective high-pitched voices when they see me in the canteen. Just great. I shall invite them to my house some day, and get them to tidy my room for me. And clean my shoes with their tongues. The Sec Ones are a very pleasant lot.

Sec One: Do you know about... the Bishan Gay?
Class: HAHAHAHAHHA!
PSL: Uh, yeah.
Class: HAHHAHAHA! Bishan gay!
Sec One: Does he have... AIDS?
Class: HAHAHAHAH! AIDS!

It seems to be all they talk about nowadays. I find it disturbing. One day, I shall find the time to sit down and have a little chat with them. And subtly shift their attention back to me.

I mean, my shoes are totally needing good lickin'.

he's very funny, cept for the fact that he hates me

2008-02-03T22:37:00.000+08:00

Me: NO! You've sold more than me! How come I haven't sold anything in the past five minutes!
Geoff: ...
Me: Oh, I know! You bedded them so they'd buy from you, right? RIGHT?
Geoff: ... I would have had to pay them to bed them.

Sorry to whoever else I've been talking to today, but Geoffrey totally wins Quote of the Day.

agreed.

2008-02-03T21:15:00.000+08:00

Sexciting! says:
omg
go mooty!
pinkbitch locked her blog
MATTHEWZ says:
HA!
Sexciting! says:
:D
MATTHEWZ says:
victory!

Brent says:
eh u forced a person to lock their blog
MATTHEWZ says:
yeah
cool right
Brent says:
you should do it more often
its quite sweet

LASAIR!

personality (test is)...

2008-02-03T20:51:00.000+08:00

My math revision remains forgotten. Everyone's doing this, AND I MUST DO IT TO KEEP MYSELF IN THE COOL AND "IN" CROWD.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties. (not down-to-earth, not straightforward, not efficient, not impartial, not accommodating. This quiz sucks.)

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes. (Serious people? Seriously? And the rest of it - seriously?)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person. (Nope. Confused as ever.)

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates. (Straightforward or sensible I ain't, but - plenty of dates? Bring it on.)

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can. (Yeah! Information! Knowledge! Learning! Yeah, totally getting turned on right now.)

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life. (I am rather pragmatic, which is why I'm not being a writer. I don't want an office job, though.)

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying. (Seriously?)

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear. (Yes.)

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long. (...very, very yes. Bipolar me for the win!)

In other words, the quiz was largely WRONG and intrusively presumptuous. In that, it is perfectly like me.

PS. I am getting horribly inept at post titles. And adeptly horrible.

flattery gets you to europe and back

2008-02-03T20:01:00.000+08:00

The squirt with the pink blog (thereon my name for her) has been relentlessly flamed today, by known and unknown RI guys. My indomitable influence marches on, ha! Squirt has equally bigoted RGS friends; can see where she gets her hateful hauteur from. (YES. I'M USING THE THESAURUS TO REPLACE MY WORDS WITH CHEEM COUNTERPARTS SO THAT THEY ALLITERATE AND MAKE ME SOUND SOPHISICATED. DEAL WITH IT.)

Relevant tags

3 Feb 08, 19:56

dooty: stop feeding off the praises of your friends and revelling in your misguided Nazi-like opinions about people. you are NOT hip or cool for being a bigot, and in fact I think you will never be.

3 Feb 08, 19:53

mockery: well, do all rg girls think elitist? that sucks. and i thought our school was elitist. eh, so much for 'elitist ri'. the attention needs to go to rg for once.

3 Feb 08, 19:51

dooty: ha, my flame post on your elitism made you popular. thank me. and anyone with half a brain would see that the "nsk" posts are INTENTIONALLY DESIGNED THUS.

3 Feb 08, 19:32

passerby: WE are disgusting? Your egos are disgusting, more like.

3 Feb 08, 16:16

stef(: hello janneh ignore the disgusting flamers okay their tags are very.nsk.

3 Feb 08, 10:05

shihui: Whoo.U noe Nigel?He is a freak.ACS dudes are EVERYWHERE/:

3 Feb 08, 00:10

N193L: Y0u 3Liti5t PIG! H0W D4re joo Insultzz Ush NSKs? Juz Bcos U R Smater duz not meen U R Betr lorhx. Plz Lorhx.

2 Feb 08, 23:26

shiren: hey janne, no matter what people say, you still rock. okay? (: and we lubbxz you

2 Feb 08, 22:02

janne: I like aardvarks, they make good witches' pets. Um, why are there so many anonymous people? It's like, so weird.

2 Feb 08, 21:56

ex Libris: Ew, you've got as much charm as an aardvark trying to chew. Now flame me, Elitists!

2 Feb 08, 20:46

janne: everyone: Thank you.

2 Feb 08, 19:46

hciR( random guy): nice phrase!! " cuz we rock we get stoned" btw ur posts r quite err eye-catching. i got directed here by another blog.

1 Feb 08, 18:49

shihui: Ahahaha. Your blog is like,the most interesting to read ever! And,I shall reply your letter! . Sheesh.owe everyone so many letters._.

31 Jan 08, 21:57

ryl: don't be emo...D: OH COME ON, WHEN YOU'RE ELITIST, THERE'S NO EASON FOR YOU TO BE EMO. BECAUSE DAMN, THEY SHOULD BE FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES.

31 Jan 08, 21:54

RACHEL: I AGREE WITH THE FUNNY ARTICLE POST. janne i love you are you emo? xP

hciR (random guy ), by the way, is a retard. I SHALL PRETEND I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE IS A DISGRACE. After Squirt's defenders started defending her honour in irritating manner, I just had to butt in.
--

Stacy signed us up for this Sell Hongbaos For President's Challenge Outside Chinatown MRT Station CIP thing. If CIP is indeed stratified in lameness, the lamest CIP HAS to be selling hongbaos for President's Challenge outside Chinatown MRT station. There were stores out there selling hongbaos for cheap (even keeping the tourists in mind, I suspect), while we were going around, peddling our "2 packets for $1, 4 for $2" red packets. It just didn't work out. My bag was heavy. I was thirsty. And the throngs of people ignoring me was too much for my ego (which shrunk a little in the rain as well).

For ten minutes I made no sale. I felt horribly ugly and repulsive. My cute voice had chosen an untimely period in my life to leave me, so no points from that as well.

[tap]
Nicole: Hi!
Me: Oh, hi! Uh, hey, want to buy some red packets? For charity! Yeah.
[declined.]
Me: Hey, buy leh! [pesters Nicole's sis] Hey, pretty girl! Come here! Pretty girl! Want to buy?

They walk away, but Nicole returns with a crisp $2, muttering something about 'pity'. Ha! I bet that was totally NOT the case. I bet her sister was all, "Hey, let's buy from that guy! Uh, I mean, he's so cool man!" Flattery will get you ANYWHERE.'

...though it didn't work when I tried it on the old ladies.

Me [in Mandarin]: Hi, xiao jie, you want to buy some red packets for charity?
Old lady: [stares at me and walks away]

Me: Ha, Geoffrey! I made a sale and you didn't! Now you're the only one without a sale!
Geoff: You cheated! You met a friend!
Me: Oh, shush, I don't talk to sale-less people.
[two groups of people walk by and buy from Geoff]
Me: Oh. My. Gosh.
Geoff: You got pwned.

Before long, I was tagging along with Geoffrey, stealing his kills, because he always picks the right people. I stole about $20 of his kills, because I'm awesome. And assholey. Awesomeness is nothing without assholery.

Geoffrey: Hello, wanna buy red packets?
[person looks interested, unlike 99% of those approached]
Me [steps forward]: Yeah, it's for charity. Two packets for $1 and four packets for $2.
[person gives me $2 and takes my red packets]
[Geoffrey looks immensely pissed]

My best kill steal from him was $10.

Stacy was walking around, taking photos and looking lost and pitiful, disheveled-looking from the rain. She made a few sales from that, I'd like to believe.

Four hours of CIP is immensely tough to earn. The ways in which people ignore you are shocking. You could talk to them, and they could pretend to look at the sky for no apparent reason, walking past you. TOTAL ANNOYANCE. I bet even I don't do that when approached!

Or at least, I think I don't. I act scared and xenophobic when approached. That's somewhat better, right?

In the end, I made the most sales, because I stole half of Geoffrey's sales. I also laughed at his name ("GEOffrey, hahaha! GEEFREE, geddit? HAHAHA! Hey, guess what? GEOffrey! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh my gosh, Geefree! [wipes tear from eye]" and his bag nonstop ("HAHAHA! Green tea! Stolen contraband! HAHAHAHA! Oh my gosh, look, green tea packets! You're a terrorist! HAHAHAHA! [wipes tear from eye]") during the train ride home, so I think he hates me now.

Some people are just horribly quick to anger.

flame on, but not in that way

2008-02-02T10:02:00.000+08:00

We are not affiliated with RGS (except some of our more, uh, moobed friends).

I say this because one day, someone's going to chance upon this squirt's blog and (God forbid) think that we're all like that. ALL RAFFLESIANS.

While RGS is lost beyond hope, I'd like to think that there are humane people in RI, who don't give a damn if you're from Raffles or Baffles or IMH.

My class heard of the "Rafflesians = elitist little shits" article in mypaper, and we were all indignant, defending our honour. We are, of course, all slightly elitist, whether we know it or not, but being proud of your inherent elitism? Also, using your blog as an outlet for your brazen thoughts? Sneering at NSK kids on your blog when you probably couldn't muster the courage to insult them in public? Dude, that is so weak.

You see, the problem with elitism is that most people who practice it are too arrogant to listen to others, and in fact are fueled by the encouragement of the people who agree with them. Like some tagger the squirt had:

31 Jan 08, 21:57

ryl: don't be emo...D: OH COME ON, WHEN YOU'RE ELITIST, THERE'S NO EASON FOR YOU TO BE EMO. BECAUSE DAMN, THEY SHOULD BE FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES.

I rest my case. People actually encourage her to be a mean little bitch and disguise that as sexy aloofness, or whatever RGS girls try to pass off as these days. As a result, such poseurs think elitism is cool, the coolest standard of greatness and superiority there is to offer.

I admit it. I am smart, and proud of it. I want to do great things, to go where no one has ever gone before, to earn lots of money and have smart kids, so they in turn carry on the tradition of being excellent. Yet I know that I don't actually have anything. Whatever I have to my name right now is God-given.

God made everyone. Some, he decided to make good-looking. Some, he decided to make smart. Some, he decided to make starkly mediocre. To some he gave nice, caring, educated parents. To the others he assigned poor, grumpy parents. If everyone was equal in all aspects, where would the world be today? It would be chaos, with everyone wanting to lead the world, everyone wanting to be at the top. God stratified society. For whatever reason I do not profess to know, but it has turned out into a better system by far. People with greater merit have a clear path to the top, while the rest are content to sit back, be the sheep of the leaders in exchange for their livelihood and security.

In a few decades' time, chances are that some of us Rafflesians will step up into ministerial positions, lead Singapore into a different age, better or worse. Are we going to snub the followers, the contributers to the economy and society, and live in our large, luxurious houses, ignoring the cries of your citizens, because they are 'not good enough'?

God can give, and he can take away. That has been much evidenced. I recall an incident in the past: Hwa Chong boy, car accident, boom, forgets everything he's learnt, starts from ABCs. Perhaps it was God's way of punishment, perhaps it was a reminder to the rest of us. You really have nothing that the others don't, or can't ever have. We all have two eyes, two ears, a mouth and a brain. We could be as smart (or stupid) as the next man in a jiffy. It's up to you if you want to make the most of your abilities to serve the other less fortunate, or if you want to sit in front of your computer, spouting all sorts of incongruous spiteful statements about neighborhood school kids.

Do I make sense? I have no idea. I'm running out of coherent sentences for today - please wait for tomorrow for more.

we'll show our might might might!!!!!!11111111

2008-02-01T20:16:00.000+08:00

The general consensus is that my voice totally doesn't suit my face. My waterpolo junior said that to me while I was busy floating around, annoying people and reminding them of my seniority, in case they forgot.

What can I say? It is perfectly true. I am a PSL. The Sec Ones already treat me like the resident jester. Without my voice, I am NOTHING.

So - Term 1 Week 5. Relatively homework-free, but everything's just piling up, the projects and miscellaneous commitments. Circular measure test on Monday OMG NO! and I think a Raffles Players meeting after school. Lit lesson on Tuesday, possibly visit to some exhibition, I wasn't listening when she announced that. And from Wednesday onwards I'm home free, possibly even an NYPS outing on Wed.

Raffles Players. I am one of the most incompetent and nervy actors EVER, but I'm on the shortlist, and oh God please let me get into the cast! I mean I really want to ACT since I can't really write. And I wanna be in Drama Feste as well!

And I want to propose a revamp of the Rafflesian Times in time for the bumper issue in Term Two. Shihang calls it a tabloid, and what can I say? It IS.

I want to do everything this year. I want to leave the school having left my tiny size 9 footprint somewhere. Not just on the walls of my classroom as well, in yet another of my brazen fits.

Me: [kicks the wall, leaving instant imprint]
Passer-by: What the hell?!
Me: HAHAHAHAHA!

Uh, strictly hypothetical situation.

double entendre? what's that?

2008-01-31T21:36:00.001+08:00

Behold... the Enormous Ho Puncher!

That's the name of my new enormous hole puncher. It punches holes in enormous stacks of papers, and can also be used to punch enormous and unruly 'ho's squarely in the face to discipline them.

It is the perfect tool for students and pimps. If you're both, wow-ee! Have you got a deal! Take that, French Revolution Notes Ho!

(I tried to draw a hippy sign on the right, but I screwed up, so I shaded the circle in and made it a head instead. In case you wanted to ask.)

catharsis

2008-01-31T21:32:00.000+08:00

mypaper ran a report on how RI boys are elitist. Not like many people read mypaper anyway, but the article could have been... timelier. Say, published AFTER we get people to donate for the ORA donation card, not BEFORE.

(at least other schools use the guise of a Food/Funfair to raise funds! We don't even bother!

Still, not like anyone would want to go to an RI food/funfair. I mean, what games? "Spot A Non-Myopic And Good-Looking RI Boy From The Crowd And Walk Away With A Solar-Powered Car"? "Guess What Subject Combination This Boy Is Taking And Win A Sweet Plus"?)

We're studying Comedy for Lit this year, it's been perfectly jolly so far. My favourite comedy is still South Park, though I haven't watched it in awhile. Season 12 starts in February or March! I can't wait!!!!

Comedy is so much better than Tragedy, yet so much harder. (having a printout of my Definitive Guide To Being Funny with you helps, though)

You know how you listen to music, and suddenly the lyrics just jump out at you, and you actually start listening to the song lyrics for once? Catharsis.

Hernwei and I were giving R (who didn't want his real name displayed for fear of embarrassment, especially since it has happened so often in previous posts.) a tutorial in Generally Being More Socially Adept. I am good in thus - I should totally charge people money to counsel them.

Me: The first thing you should learn is to defend against all the people who insult you. Okay, what would you say if, uh, I say, "R, you suck man. Look at your hair, it's so ugly! I mean, if I were you I would totally kill myself! Whatever, whatever!"
R: ... I don't know what to say. It sounds so true!

Oh, man. I should totally pay people to counsel them.

this post was dedicated to my internets

2008-01-31T20:47:00.000+08:00

Pixies! Pixies!

If you have no idea what pixies is all about, you probably aren't in my class. Or hang around me really often after drugging me with sugar or Milo or Tabasco or various illicit hallucinogenic drugs.

My Internets! It is finally works! Let's fighting love! All your base! Wooty wooty.

slowly beaten by doom

2008-01-26T13:12:00.000+08:00

R.I.P. Heath Ledger.

impending deaf

2008-01-26T12:07:00.000+08:00

Do you know how freaky it is when you're trying to study Physics while standing in a crowded MRT train, and suddenly this guy in long black sleeves (and generally wearing everything else a guy in long black sleeves would wear. They are ONE in dress code.) pulls out his iPod and listens to it, and the next thing you know, you can hear his music (incidentally, some crappy death metal or blah) perfectly clearly?

(...yes. The whole paragraph was one enormous rhetorical question. It isn't even grammatical, but it sounds like how I would talk, like I'm constantly interrupting myself.)

YOU WILL GO DEAF. AND I NEED TO STUDY.

I don't like Physics this year. I need an entertaining teacher to teach me or I'll go mad and start writing limericks and haikus and my invented poetry forms and story ideas for my new novel. It sucks to be a literary person, because you can distract yourself with a piece of foolscap.

Octopus' Garden is my current favourite Beatles' song.

We would be
so happy, you and me

Amazing, the wonders a simple rhyme scheme can do.

and, in case I missed out anyone, those too

2008-01-25T15:28:00.000+08:00

Jon Lian's inviting me and a few other classmates to his church's Movie Night this Saturday.

Rich: Don't want lah! There'll be people I don't know!
Me: Duh! Rich, don't you want to expand your social... dot? HAHAHA! Geddit, a social DOT! I mean, keep working at it until your social circle finally has a radius! Hahahaha! Oh my gosh, hilarious. [wipes tears from eye]

My wit is totally overrated. Not so, my sheer retardedness. I later assured the aggrieved Rich that it was nothing personal. It never is. It's just the intricate wiring of my brain, to spout out random vaguely-relevant stuff I think are funny, in the forlorn hope of pandering to my twisted friends. And anyway, Rich was asking for it. I only insult two kinds of people, those who deserve it and, uh, and those who don't.

totally something I would write

2008-01-23T21:19:00.001+08:00

Our first group assignment for English is to present an oral biography on some famous personality.

Ms Kuang: Yes, for Jane Austen, there has been a movie written of her -
Me: "The Life And Lies of Jane Austen"?

carrot juice isn't really murder, but do let's pretend it IS!

2008-01-23T21:18:00.000+08:00

I sprained my wrist in PE yesterday, having been spitefully tripped by Rich, who had always been jealous of my sheer superiority. I collapsed and writhed on the ground dramatically, which made the others think that I was COMPLETELY acting and leave me alone. I mean, honestly! I may act injured or insulted 90% of the time, laughing meanly at you after I've pulled one over you, but that doesn't mean you should mistrust me in the OTHER 10%! Gee.

Double RE was yet again spent with various organisations talking to us, wearisome deadpan tones and powerpoint presentations in tow. Most of them actually had meaningful messages to carry out, and the other belonged to a vegetarian organisation.

I have a lot to say against vegetarians (because consuming meat has made me horribly shortsighted and bigoted), but I shan't say anything today, because it doesn't have anything to do with "private parts", and is thus not blogworthy. I noticed how people had tended to quote that line about waterpolo players to me in school, which leads me to think that anything vaguely related to private parts must be funny.

Oh, and I was just talking to Jarrell about my vision for a new breed of selective eaters - the meatarians. I mean, wouldn't it be awesome? People would then specially cater food for meatarians at all those posh functions!

"Uh, hi, I'm sorry, but I'm meatarian, and I can't eat any of these stuff here. So..."

"Oh, yes! Over there is the food specially catered for meatarians! Instead of the cabbage dish, there is only fried chicken, and Sichuan beef in place of the tofu dish! I am SO sorry!"

"Oh, it's okay. I've gotten used to it already, though sometimes... [cue sob] I wonder what veggies taste like... oh, why must my religion deny me vegetable!"

"Aw, don't be sad! I'll get them to take another dish in, in replacement for the rice dish that you guys are missing out on. Hello there? Can I order, uh, Deluxe Mutton for the meatarian table over there?"

Totally awesome? Totally awesome.

Oh, and there'd be mock veg as well.

"Wow, you're eating cabbage! I thought you were meatarian!"

"Nah, this is mock veg. It's actually fried chicken skin dyed green with fibres hand-painted on. I wish I could taste real cabbage... I can't help but think that this is merely an inferior substitution for the real McCoy!"

"Oh, uh, sure. Cabbage is much better - oh my God, can you give me a bite of that pleeeease?"

I'm definitely going meatan. Uh, totally better than eating private parts.

what what what??

2008-01-22T14:06:00.000+08:00

My weekend was destined to be homework-free. Yep, that's gonna be my excuse in case anyone asks. If all else fails, there's always the "MY INTERNET ISN'T WORKING AND THIS GIVES ME AN EXCUSE TO BE EXTREMELY CRABBY AND VULGAR, YOU FAT LUMP OF DICKWAD" defence. It always works, though not like I've actually tried it for myself.

On Friday afternoon there was a Raffles Players training! (I've been shortlisted for the annual production! Praise the Lord! ... but not yet.) It was a pretty bizarre training, but not like I'm not used to it, since CAP Drama. Then they watched a staging of Army Daze, but I had to rush off home and HCI for HUNGRY. (you know, I still tend to think no place is too far from my home? I call it the Orchard Resident Syndrome.) I had to take a taxi to HCI, in peak hour and in the wake of the new fare hikes. My wallet's still reeling.

[and hey the fried dumplings at S11 are pretty good! Ten for $5. I wanted to take away half of them for my family. I have no idea what happened next.]

I thought Hungry would be largely funny, with rare tragic parts, but it was pretty much the opposite. Comic relief came from Jon Lian's famed brother, who played some enigmatic god figure. Drama CAPpers were everywhere, but I doubt any would have remembered me. I was totally fade-into-carpet-ish.

Cheryl deserted us for her friends thereafter, and the rest of us friendless creatures (Geoff, Greg, Stacy) departed for Newton for a really expensive supper. I would post funny stuff, but I've forgotten all of them, and I don't have photos to accompany anything. Greg also writes funny quotes in his phone. It's been working great for me so far.

Me [matter-of-fact]: Hey, don't drink Pepsi! It kills your sperm.
Stacy: ...what?

Somewhen or other my EZ-Link card came into the picture. Its 100% Induce Laughter Rate remains intact.

[I GOT MY IC TODAY OMG IT LOOKS NORMAL. YAY. AND NEXT YEAR I'LL GET A NEW EZ LINK CARD! My sin! It is being forgiven!!!!!!!!!!!!]

I'm going to leave it at "And then we left for home", because I have a revulsion for details.
...don't look at me like that. My Internet isn't working.

Saturday was Brain's / Hernwei's birthday celebration. Their birthdays are like Wednesday or something. You know how guy gatherings get predictable after awhile? Play pool at Meridien before going for dinner in a restaurant at PS or otherwise.

We went to Seoul Garden - it is horribly expensive at $28, which is why I don't really go there much. I eat more than people expect of me, but I doubt I'm capable of anything above $20. (I don't even like 60% of seafood! I am King of Being Cheaply Satiable!)

Evidently Rich has been reading my Coolness guide!

-bling that looked a mixture of some pagan cross and the Hwachong logo
-rubber wristband
-a Winnie the Pooh shirt
-over that, an unbuttoned checkered shirt
-jeans too short

The pool place at Marina Centre was strictly NC16 - "After birthday only" - so we separated soon after.

This year, when I turn sixteen, I'll probably have a party, or gathering of some sort. I am in desperate need of expensive presents!

[not that that should discourage you. My motto in life has always been, "All presents are equal! (except the expensive ones)"]

*

You know, everything sounds funny once you add an "S" at the back of it? IT IS HILARIOUS.

I also happen to be in the team that's planning waterpolo CIP. So, uh, in case you see our projects "More Items, More Lucks!" and "Little Blind Swimmers Have Funs!" in the newspapers or out on the streets of Bishan, that's us.

At this juncture, is it morally justifiable for me to be damned proud of myself?

*

I'm having a problem with my outer self.

It's like, I used to be really shy and all, so I tried to open up and be vocal.

Yet, now, everytime I try to be vocal, it comes out as fart instead.

AND their brains have dropped to beneath their legs

2008-01-18T10:29:00.000+08:00

I haven’t had Internet or TV or a tidy house for six days now, but school will carry on. Indeed, I am so lucky that moving house has come at a time when I’m not completely swamped by academic and CCA commitments (though, indeed, what CCA commitments?).

Today was pretty interesting. I was sitting on the stack of chairs by the window (my new Emo Seat. It’s not as awesome/tall as the one last year, but it’ll do.) when I heard screams. It was slightly odd, since my class doesn’t really scream, they just get pissed and make gay banter and make up like every ten minutes.

Burger has a Sec One stalker! Then we’re all like, “Huh? Which school? RGS??” but, nah, said stalker hailed from Raffles Institution. He’d sent Burger several SMSes, and was all, “I have been checking up on you. You’re in judo right? I am also going to try to get into judo too.”-ish. For us Sec Fours to be thoroughly grossed out by a Sec One was a really humbling experience; I promise it will never happen again.
--

We had a Lit RA welcome party for the new Sec Threes on Tuesday. I think there’s a homosexual (or more) within, can’t be sure. Definitely extremely effeminate, though. Must write it down in my black Moleskin notebook! (assuming I had a black Moleskin notebook that all super-sleuths have)
--

I’m going to have to spend Community Day with Waterpolo! Why can’t we go with our CLASSES instead of our CCAs??? Grah. I can’t be perfectly sure, but I think the current plan is to go to selected/select girls’ schools and canvass for money. Right.

I can’t pretend I am surprised – they are waterpolo players after all. Where their souls used to be, there’s now an extra private part in its place.

and you should pay me, too!

2008-01-15T16:49:00.000+08:00

Omg we only get our phone line on the 15th! Until then, my Internet usage is restricted to at school! Uh, no, not addicted, just – oh no, I feel so cold – GET AWAY! GET AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

(TODAY IS THE 15TH! I NEVER NOTICED! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!)

I didn’t lose my EZ Link card as previously fretted over. I left it in the library, the kind for which they stick your EZ Link card on the screen and make you write lines before they return it. I mean, I’m cool with writing lines, but what’s with sticking my EZ Link card for the whole literate Rafflesian world to see! I mean, seriously. With an EZ Link card photo like mine, you feel oddly naked when it’s outside the comfort of your wallet.

Jun Yong got pissed during PSGM today, because the Sec Ones were being horrible sarcastic bitches. I mean, being sarcastic is only cool when you’re funny. And non-Sec One-ish. I don’t feel so guilty about laughing about some of the alien-looking Sec Ones now, and about teasing them about their cheer.

I got a picture of everyone in 1L doing their class cheer handsigns. It cracks me up. Basically, everyone holds up “L” signs above their heads with both their hands. They did it so zealously, so enthusiastically during the camp, though they finally realized that it was making them look stupid, so now they only do it when I make them do it.

Me: Guys! Okay, uh, do the class cheer now! *holds up handsign* [to PSLs] Psst! Take photo!
Enthu guy: Okay! Are you ready?
1L: No.
Enthu guy: ARE YOU READY????
1L: NO!!!
Me: Okay, I give you discount. You just have to do the handsign, you don’t have to do the cheer. Okay?
[1L complies]
[Me takes photo. It was classic. At the end of the PSGM sessions, I’m going to send them the photo, and they will spend the next two years reminiscing. ]

Being good cam-slaves (for my cheap thrill) aside, they were being perfect assholes, so Jun Yong scolded them and left the class huffily.

We had to bring notable items for CLE. My stuff was all in boxes somewhere, so I described my stuff instead.

“My friend gave me a shirt for Christmas. It said “Sarcasm is one of the services I offer”. It’s pretty much true, because if you’re looking for some refreshing sarcasm around here, I can help.”

My new slogan.

everything that can possibly be blamed, will be blamed on murphy

2008-01-14T16:03:00.000+08:00

I’m an Ang Mo Kian! (carrying on the irritating tradition of adding “ian’ to the back of everything to make it an adjective). The house’s pretty good, except for the fact that half of it is in some box or black trash bag or other. Moving house is one of the most harrowing experiences I have been through so far, way up there with going to school.

I have a strange urge to go to some random coffee shop in Ang Mo Kio and be all (in British accent, naturally), “Oh, look, how cute! A native peddling his little foods! Uh, good morrow, sir! Have you any, hmm, chicken chow mein?”

In other news, my Rafflesian spirit is finally wearing off. I feel highly lethargic in school (except in Chem) and it seems as if my only ambition in school nowadays is to flick schoolmates in shorts at the back of the head, dismissing it carelessly as “senior’s right”. But, weighing all the factors, I decided not to.

I mean, what if the juniors make a habit out of it?

And what am I talking about? I have no idea.

Shihang is severely twisted. I have no idea why he wants to sit next to me.

Shihang: I like bagels.
Me: Mmm. They’re much better than bay-boys, no? I like them with the hole in the middle.
Shihang (catches on): Mmm yeah... I like them slopped in jelly.

Which pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day.

Me: I like my bagels with lots of toppings!
Shihang: No thank you, I like them bare!
Me: Ah, you must mean without any of the, uh, salad dressing.

I was late for school today, having overestimated the speed of the buses at Ang Mo Kio. I had to wait ten minutes for the bus, and seven minutes for the MRT. Murphy is my friend. Whenever I have a PSP on hand, I just have to drop it screen-down. Whenever I use a pen-knife for more than fifteen minutes, I will eventually cut myself. Both of these happened yesterday.

*uses penknife to cut open a cardboard box*
Mom: Be careful!
Me: Okay.
Mom: Don’t scratch the floor!

Uh, yeah, love you too, Mom.

all hot air

2008-01-11T20:32:00.000+08:00

I tried to take photos throughout the Sec One orientation (spanning from Sec One Registration Day to today!) However, I didn't really take many, and the few that I took were mediocre at best (screw you, 2 megapixel camera!) Yet the team comprising Nigel Fong and pals has put together a video about all the stuff!

Nigel helmed the Ops Control comm during orientation camp, which is basically the ones in charge of logistics. They spend most of their time in a seminar room, manning a 24-hour hotline and attending to other stuff, while the rest of us class-based PSLs frolic around with and torture Sec Ones under our wing. I have no idea why anyone would want to join Ops Control - it has sai gang written all over it. But I guess for having almost no fun whatsoever throughout the whole orientation process, Ops Control ought to be lauded.

To Ops Control.

I'm late! I'm late!

2008-01-11T16:12:00.000+08:00

My house is in a veritable mess, and the Internet isn’t working for some reason, so I’m spending my free time in school typing this. JRIC is in an hour’s time! I move house tomorrow! My life is governed by dates and times and deadlines.

And I’ve been late for school twice in three days :o I woke up at 7.15 am today. I’ve got to stop!!! Apparently three late-for-schools and they call your parents. My second motto of the year is “To Wake Up At 6 am Every Morning For The Hope of a Better Age”.

(you notice how everything sounds nicer if you add “for the hope of a better age” at the back of it? Like, “screw you, for the hope of a better age!” “I need to surf pornographic websites, for the hope of a better age!”)

Rich: Hey Matthew! Oh, wait, let’s say it in a cutesy voice: Matt-HEW! MATT-hew! Uh, maTTHEW! Hmm, MAtthew!
Me: *blinks*

I swear, Rich is autistic.

PSGM was today as well. We hold weekly sessions with our Sec Ones in which we ask them questions and take away Julian’s handphone if he’s playing Worms Forts while we’re trying to carry out the survey. They STILL call me Grandmaster. I am awesome.

I have no idea if we’re corrupting them. If they happened to be listening to South Park soundtracks and giggling at the profanities, would remarking that I have watched and enjoyed the whole movie be leading them astray?

But, not like we’re not mature enough to avoid the negative influences of such crass media devices! I mean, we’re sensible enough to let only the good stuff influence us, you bigoted cocksuckers!

I also spent Chinese lesson coming up with caricatures of classmates, and quizzing Shihang and Rich. Shihang was pretty fast at guessing but Rich was really slow. I totally love my quiz! Shall scan it in as soon as I can –

Probably next week. I hope we unpack fast. I want to join many CCAs and get involved in community service, for the hope of a better age.

And CCA points.

everything with a motto sounds resolute enough

2008-01-09T21:06:00.000+08:00

As such, my new motto of the year is "Things Will Get Done!"

A little late for such a motto, but self-discipline hasn't been one of my virtues, I have paid dearly with my GPA.

But it's never too late! The year has started prominently, and the online to-do list is helping. Instant coffee too, but I'm going to limit my coffee intake to one cup a day. Who knows, it may be carcinogenic or something. The second choice for my motto of the year had been "Everything Has Already Been Scientifically Proven To Be Carcinogenic, So Get A Guilt Trip Now, Noob!" but it was too long, so the current one will do for now.

Who knows, if I adhere to the motto for once, my motto next year could be "Things Will Get Done Properly!"

nostalgia is like being constipated, except much worse.

2008-01-08T19:33:00.000+08:00

One thing good about packing your house is that you get to find random vestiges of years back. Like a "Nanyang Primary School P6 2004" book, with class photos.

(Click for much larger)

Of course, it's not always nice when you are the subject of it, but I can always offset it by directing you to the pictures of other people! Chances are that you know someone else from the same class, and then we can point and laugh! Yay!

NO. DON'T LAUGH AT ME. I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A FIVE-YEAR-OLD CHUBBY CHINA KID.

pinch my cheek, I have way too much

2008-01-08T18:21:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the first time I stepped into 4K, and I like where it is - the classroom nearest the staircase on the fourth floor. Could have been on a lower floor, but I've had much worse.

The teachers - we kept Messrs Vijay and Yuen and Ms Kuang.

Alicia Goh got married in the holidays in a nice quaint chapel in New Zealand by two ministers - she was Protestant and her husband was Catholic.

AG: So that was my biggest blast during the holidays! What was your biggest blast?
Me: Uh, I didn't really go anywhere because we're busy moving house. [pause] And I grew taller.
Class: WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

I would like to believe that my class is in fact taking a healthy concerned attitude in my growth. I mean, if I were to detect sarcasm in just about everything I see, I'd be a very unhappy person. I live with MYSELF everyday, for goodness' sake!

Chong Han Guang was hilarious.

CHG: Okay, so the Group I elements are good reducing agents, right? Okay, Jonathan Lian, name one property of Group VII elements!
Jon Lian: Uh, they are good oxidising agents?
CHG: Very cheapskate, I like your style. Sit down.

He made Zaki stand for half the lesson because Zaki could not answer ANY of the questions directed at him, in classic Zaki style.

CHG: Uh, let's get someone else to answer the question then. Matthew Chan!
Me: [stands] Yes sir?
CHG: Can you answer the question?
Me: Uhh. What's the question?
CHG: *sighs* The question is, are you a student of 4K or not?
Me: Yes. [sits down]

And I wonder why people hate me.

Me: Haha, Rich! Were you born this dumb, or did you just slowly degenerate in secondary school?
Rich: *seethes*
Me: Oh, crap, I forgot to bring my wallet. Rich, lend me some money. Pleeeeease?
Rich: NO!
Me: WHAT! Why're you being so mean to me, you asshole!

Sec Four is turning out to be way busier than I expected - with O'levels out of the way, we still have to get a good GPA and stuff to get good subjects in JC, which means that instead of just having to mug for the end of the year, we now have to do our best for the WHOLE YEAR.

WE MUST GET A MINIMUM 3.6 GPA TO EVEN BE ELIGIBLE FOR HUMANITIES SCHOLARSHIP! NO! I'm aiming for 3.8 anyway, but it's getting me so stressed up.

We also have to prepare a Showcase Portfolio by Term Four, showcasing our best works done during the course of our four years, and defend it in front of selected teachers and very possibly our parents. Tell me that's not stress.

What have I done to show for my three years in RI? What can I say I have done that truly makes myself proud? I mean, there's still so many things I want to do, and I have one year left to do it!

I want to be part of the Hullett Dramafeste team. Cast or crew, it doesn't really matter. I just want to be out there on the LT stage, doing my bit for my house and being better off for the experience.

I want to do a meaningful RE. I want to have a purpose in life. I want to be an enterpriser, make lots of money, settle down and have three kids.

I want to have meaning.

(and, hey, this isn't emo. It isn't emotional. Everyone thinks something not vaguely humorous or lighthearted is emotional. I prefer to call mine contemplative, because emotional is more of the "Nobody cares, nobody understands, I'm going to slit my wrists with a kitchen knife and not gonna apply any antiseptic cream, so there!" variety.)

this just felt so quotable.

2008-01-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

[ 4K and spoon ]& shanzhi 善植! says:
saturday housewarming?
settled
see you!
:D
i'll be waiting
MATTHEWZ says:
... you don't know my address! ha!
[ 4K and spoon ]& shanzhi 善植! says:
hm?
oh trust me.
i'll FIND you
cackle.

I think after I move house, I'll be taking pains to crouch around the house all day, making sure I can't be seen from the windows.

raffles power!

2008-01-06T20:08:00.000+08:00

Lasair '08 is over! I won't say any mushy stuff about school, because that's what Shanzhi's blog is for.

The PSLs of 1L were thus:

Junyong - SPSL! He was basically moping around with handphone in hand, but he's not in NCC for nothing. 1L grew to fear (or at least shut up whenever he was talking) him. He made a great SPSL, though. Trust him to know what togetherness is all about. *cryptic wink*

Linus - Quiet and cool for the most part.

Yingzhe - Softspoken but conscientious, always willing to do his part.

Jianhang - From Malaysia! He's a boarder and joined RI in Sec 3. I learnt that on the last day.

James - Quiet as well.

Amit - Really funny and spastic, which was good and ensured my sanity, because the other 1L PSLs were really quiet.

Me - The spastic one. I mean, by the last day most of the Sec Ones weren't scared of me anymore, because I blew my cover by being lame and doing stupid stuff (notably the times after I got drunk on fruit punch). I can still scare one or two though. I pulled one guy out because he said the F-word, then I was all serious about it, and he was really scared. Woohoo! Also -

Student: Hey Matthew -
Junyong: You shouldn't call him Matthew. He's your senior!
Student: Oh, then what should I call you?
Me: Uh, you can call me Grandmaster 001.
Student: Oh okay.

Student: Matthew, can I go to the toilet?
Me: HUH? WHO'S MATTHEW???
Student: Oh, right. Grandmaster 001, can I go to the toilet?

Student: Hey, Grandmaster 001 -
Me: Uh, my name's not Grandmaster 001 anymore.
Student: Huh?
Me: You can start calling me The Great Divine One.
Student: Haha! Okay! The Great Divine One, so -

Me: Ha, I can get my students to call me Grandmaster 001 or The Great Divine One.
Rich: WHAT?? No way! I don't believe you!
Me: Wait, look - Hi, Samuel!
1L Student: Oh, hi, Grandmaster 001, a.k.a. The Great Divine One!
Rich: =O

One thing good about my broken voice is that I can now shout louder and terrify Sec Ones into complying with my brazen orders.

Also, I was dead exhausted by the last day, because unlike most Rafflesians, sleeping past midnight for consecutive nights makes me zombie-like and uncharacteristically quiet, and I snoozed half an hour in the Auditorium of the two-hour talk (why do we have to sit in for the talk meant for Sec Ones, anyway?), for a while in the UG presentations (definitely a bid to convince more people to actually want to join UGs), and many other times.

I am as tall as Rich. Our conversations used to go like this:

Me: OMG Rich! You don't know anything about football! How could anyone suck so bad! Blah blah blah your hair is so poseurish blah blah you're like totally phail!
Rich: But I'm taller than you! HA!

Yet after a whole year, Rich finally has nothing that he can use against me in me-dominated conversations. Jesus REALLY is coming soon. I can totally imagine this:

Me: OMG Rich! You don't know anything about football! How could anyone suck so bad! Blah blah blah your hair is so poseurish blah blah you're like totally phail!
Rich: But, uh, your hair is sticking out somewhere at the back! HA!
Me: Dude. It ALWAYS sticks out. Now, back to you...

I am growing. It's what happens when you SLEEP ON THE SAME DAY AS YOU WAKE UP most of the time. In that respect, I am totally un-Rafflesian.

And there was this really cute guy from the DSA class called Steve, who was the highlight of many of the PSLs' fancy. He plays tennis.

During the war games -
Me: Hey, you! Welcome to HappyHappyLand! (yes, that was the name of the forfeit station. I sense Theodore's part in this matter.) Go do a forfeit.
Steve: No! *runs away*
Me: OI! YOU MUST DO A FORFEIT!!!!!
Steve: AHHH! *runs to Shoujian* Shoujian, they're gaying me! They're gaying me!

Apparently, a group of PSLs have been chasing after him trying to talk to him.

Someone: Mooty, you're no longer cute! Steve is cuter than you, because his voice is so high and yours is so gross.
Me: ... am I supposed to be all "Aw, shucks" about this?

1L was pretty screwed up. There were two obvious Leaders who rank among the most enthusiastic in the batch, but I could see tension between the two of them, as they asserted their dominance in the class and often had contrasting ideas. Then there were the Enthusiastic Classmates, who were happy to do whatever the Leaders told them to do, as long as their class came off better off. Then there were the Cliquees who mostly hung around their primary school classmates (notably the Nanyang clique. Bah!) and chattered. And there were the Social Misfits who moped around alone at the back all the time. It's seriously bad. I saw improvement on the last day, though, and that really made me happy.

It's quite remarkable, how in just three years I'm experiencing the same orientation camp in a different role. I still remember bits and pieces of stuff from Illume '05 - the candles at the finale, the Walk of Initiation, the midnight debriefs from the PSLs, the reciting of Rafflesian Principle of Honour before meals, the sporadic cheering sessions at canteen / hall / station games, the tiring Bishan hike, the batch song, the silly songs. I'm reliving everything, and in three years' time, one quarter of my charges will be all pubescent and mature, organising the camp for the Raffles class of 2014, teaching Voices That Care to THEIR Sec Ones.

I was afraid I would not be up to the task, but everything just came naturally. I still knew my cheers, I still knew the batch song, I still knew the Rafflesian Principle of Honour. I didn't need to remember my own PSLs to feel frustration at the unenthusiastic and weak-willed Sec Ones. It is a tradition, yet it brings something new to the Sec Ones and PSLs that go through this process.

Anyway, after the finale, we were all ready to start cleaning up, when word arrived that a boy was missing! So we ran all around to search for him, screaming his name. His parents were there for a long while before they went home. Then we returned to the hall all flustered, and the parents called up.

Mrs Maas: ... The parents have called saying that their son went home himself!
PSLs: WHAT?! Guys, we taupok him on Monday! TAUPOK! TAUPOK! TAUPOK!

Oh, I bought a cute smiley face plush bear for the class! All the PSLs needed a gift for their class to present at the finale. I'm quite satisfied with ours.

I look cheap, but I cost $24.90!

Oh, I'm moving this Saturday!

everyone misses my acerbity, and I won't disappoint.

2008-01-06T19:47:00.000+08:00

Back.

zhi ming: Wow, you sound like you're really good at making people feel all small and insignificant! Whoever you are.
Greg: For me, school starts tomorrow. No, exerting power over Sec Ones is not school.
stacy: Aw, I'm back ain't I.
Nigel: I drew those on paper and scanned them in, you know. Yes, I can't draw, but that shouldn't stop me from materialising my phailish doodles! Dude, you should totally get a Douche Bag! (it comes with built-in fake tablet PC with ostentatious flashing lights where the USB ports are supposed to be)
pizzat: Agreed! But, not that I can draw any other way.
Dan: Don't we all love screaming at Sec Ones and pretending to be stern! "SEC ONES, WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF URGENCY??? *shakes leg and pokes at food*"